oh the times they are a changing...but at the same time...not.

everything around me is in boxes. i have discovered that i love moving in theory - it's the act of it that makes me never want to do it again.

.but. once again
i. have. moved.

i went from being completely alone to living with two girls where everyone is always welcome. i need this. i thrive on community. there has only been one night so far that someone has not ended crashing on the couch or filling every bed we have around here. sunday our super sleepover count was 8. that's just...super.

our nights are spent coming together and cooking and playing the records and lighting the candles. there is so much love in this place that it feels like christmas is right around the corner.

im happy.
im excited for what is to come.
im a part of something bigger than myself.
im at peace.

oh and these guys aren't doing to shabby either.


as i pack and unpack this has been the song that i play on repeat - and sing on the top of my lungs.


i can't wait to see what this years adventures will be.

the journey that must be walked.

life is a journey and i have always said that i will gladly travel. it would just seem that for the past two months it has been extreme traveling.

i think that deep down inside we know the truths about ourselves that we never want to the rest of the world to know...or in even some cases that we don't even want ourselves to know.

i'm not scared of the things that are hard. i think that i truly understand that once we work through the hard there is a better and a healthier side waiting. i have just been shown lately that not everyone is ready to face up to the hard first.

i want to be a healthy - responsible - growing - learning - active - loving - helpful person. i want to live life fully and , yes, maybe there will be regrets but i want to be able to see a lesson in each regret. i don't want unhealthy fears to rule life.

i do think that we are all doing the best we can. and your best might look different then my best but everyone is trying. the tragic part of that, i have now learned, is that your best might not be healthy for me to be so involved in.

i can't feel things slightly - i naturally involve myself fully. i naturally care a lot. i naturally want best for people. i naturally want to fight for you even when you refuse to fight for yourself. i naturally believe in people and that belief does not dwindle even when they fail.

.which. makes it almost impossible for me to walk away.

two months of this extreme traveling has taught me that sometimes we have to walk away in belief that one day we can walk back to better.

and so, my feet will walk.

change

a growing person is self - renewing....

as new as each day...

study his face and hands,
listen to his voice...
look for change...

it is certain he has change.

approach me, then, with a sense of wonder,
study my face and hands and voice for signs of change;

for it is certain i have changed.

.:.clearly it's been a while.:.

um. gracious.

.so it's been awhile.


at this very moment im listening to this. and it's perfect and amazing.

Rachael Yamagata & Ray Lamontagne - Duet (mp3)

and i'm sitting at my new wooden table i found in the ally.



and my feet look like this.



and my two constant companions are hanging out with me.



and i finally lit my "happy birthday to me gift".



and i just got through reading this amazing women's thoughts and she has inspired and gave me hope of beauty.

.:.nienie.:.

and it is a perfect night.

thank you for sitting next to me...

i kind of have this social experiment that i have been bouncing around in. i keep trying to see how much technology i can live without. this is the year of no television in my apartment. in the beginning i thought "right on - there goes some mindless time that i can put to better use" but then i discovered that i wasn't learning about life without television, i was just learning the art of being patient when it came to television. i would just wait for whatever show i was interested in to make it's way to internet land and then sit in front of my computer instead of the t.v.

i had been sneaking my internet from my neighbors but they came over last month to tell me that they were moving to japan which meant no more internet from them. i then made the decision to say no to internet also. which has really led me to the land of no more mindless technology.

all that to say here i sit in starbucks getting internet tonight.

two homeless men came an hour ago. we have had on and off conversations since they came in. i like these men. i feel like they are kinder then anyone else in here. for some reason they pour out genuineness and i feel like they full of wisdom - the kind of wisdom that comes from living through hardness - the kind of wisdom i trust.

i want to say that these men were completely beautiful and blessed me deeply.

angels in disguise.

let the thoughts *spring* forth.

happy 3rd day of spring. somewhere in there it almost seems worth all the harsh harsh months of cold to be able to see the city slowly blossoming back to life.

last weekend i almost died by acid avocado. it was a close call and it was ugly. the lesson that might have been learned is that gluttony of avocado = acid stomach by avocado. not a easy lesson learned and if i'm going to be honest not a complete lesson learned. in the midst of all the sick i was able to start little seeds that will blossom into goodness. if you happen to stop by please be on the look out for...

mint

basil

lavender

nothing in me wants to be inside. yesterday i spent five hours doing school work in a coffee shop as the sunshine filled the earth outside. i think that a little bit of my soul was crushed because of it.

don't worry though. brittany came into town later that night and ellen came out to party and we walked over to the art cafe to fill ourselves with crepes and wine and my soul was restored.

lately i think that i might start to seriously consider quiting life in chicago and going to live with lykke li in stockholm.



tell me that wouldn't be the life.

in the name of spring i will leave you with a spring quote of inspiration.

"when the first warm days of spring arrived, I only existed through the five school days each week in order to really live on Saturdays. I would be off early every Saturday morning to the river, the woods or the surrounding hills to see what nature was doing about bringing the earth back to life, and to revel in all the changes that had taken place since the week before."
...stalking the wild asparagus...
euell gibbons