you know: love.:.love.:.love.:.

"What is REAL?" asked the Rabbit one day, when they were lying side by side near the nursery fender, before Nana came to tidy the room. "Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick-out handle?"

"Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real."

"Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit.

"Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. "When you are Real you don't mind being hurt."

"Does it happen all at once, like being wound up," he asked, "or bit by bit?"

"It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in your joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."

- the velveteen rabbit

a kiss for love. a kiss for luck.

i can't help but wonder how you start to piece together who you are. especially when i feel like i have lost a lot of who i am. and especially because i think that i'm ok that i have lost a lot of that. i just can't seem to figure out how to recognize who i am right now.

sometimes i wish i could just pile together who everyone else thinks i am and go from there. the problem would be that i'm not sure if i necessarily agree with who everyone thinks i am or who i should be.

i think that it would be a whole lot easier to just get up and go. be in somewhere completely new and start again. i am SO good at starting again.

.but.

i can't help escape the feeling that i must learn who i am when i'm not always leaving. i have to figure out who i am when i'm staying and dealing.

i have this huge fear of complacency.

and i'm going to let that period sit there for a little while because that statement should just stand. but lately this thought of complacency maybe isn't all that bad because it keeps you somewhere. all of a sudden you have routines. and you have a created life. and you have roots. i fear all these things but in the same breath i long for all these things.

it's january 10. 10 days into 2010. 10 days into these new year resolution thoughts and, lord all mighty, these new years resolutions hold weight.

it would be real nice if someone would just come along and let me know everything i am suppose to do. it would be even nicer if i would just listen to what that someone would say instead of going against exactly what i'm told.

i think this is ok to say

"and it occurred to him that there were two parts to being a better person. one part was thinking about other people. the other part was not giving a toss what other people thought."

-mark haddon

new beginnings came just in time.

i have this fear of saying things out loud. i think somewhere along the line i realized that when you say things out loud they become more real. you must begin on those thoughts and those dreams.

the new year is here. for some reason 2010 has come with some weight to it. i feel like this is the year. this one is going to be so full. this one is going to bring change. this one is going to take all the things i have been so easily avoiding and it's going to say "grow up and deal with me".

and i think that i'm ok with that.

so here, written down to never be forgotten, are the things that i'm hoping that i can bring to my table of life in the new year.

* i want to start to enjoy my coffee and tea times again. life have been moving so quickly and i have been trying to keep up with it. i can't remember the last time i sat and said "this is amazing coffee!" i want to hold it in my hands and feel its warmth. i want to sip slowly and feel that liquid gently go down my throat and fill me with love.

* i want to fill myself with meaningful activities. i feel like i am always doing things but most of these things are for others. at the end of the day i am exhausted and i feel empty. each day i want to do an activity that brings me joy, that fills me with strength, and that grows me. one way i want to do this is begin swimming laps again. i will swim my way into the spring again when my legs can take over and run me through this city.

* i want to start writing again. i have kept these thoughts in my head for too long and they have grown and consumed me. i want to let them out and not fear the words that come but accept them.

* i want to start living this mantra for myself and when dealing with others.

we are all doing the best that we can. i will not get down on myself for not being good enough - not doing enough - not being what everyone else thinks we should be. i daily do the best that i can and i believe others are doing the same. so i'm to start being gracious with myself in that respect and believe others need that grace of that thought too.

* i want to realize how blessed i am by the ones around me. i want to treasure them while we are together and not wait until they are gone. showing gratitude to the ones i love so that there is not a doubt of how honored i have been to be blessed with their unconditional love, compassions, and understanding.

and finally...

this is the one that i think that i am the most scared of because there is no simple solution. but...

* i want to figure out what my needs are. for the last couple of months the question that i have noticed that i can't answer is "what do you need." i can tell you what most people need. i can tell you what i am doing for a lot of them so that those needs are fulfilled but i don't know for myself. i have realized that i focus so much on others that i have lost myself. i don't know what i need in life to be ok because i have always had to be ok - even though most of the time i feel like i'm slowly drowning. so this is the year that i'm going to say that it's ok to say "i need..." and not feel weak to say that and not to feel guilty putting that out there. janis joplin says " don't compromise yourself. you are all you've got." i say that sounds really good to me.

oh the times they are a changing...but at the same time...not.

everything around me is in boxes. i have discovered that i love moving in theory - it's the act of it that makes me never want to do it again.

.but. once again
i. have. moved.

i went from being completely alone to living with two girls where everyone is always welcome. i need this. i thrive on community. there has only been one night so far that someone has not ended crashing on the couch or filling every bed we have around here. sunday our super sleepover count was 8. that's just...super.

our nights are spent coming together and cooking and playing the records and lighting the candles. there is so much love in this place that it feels like christmas is right around the corner.

im happy.
im excited for what is to come.
im a part of something bigger than myself.
im at peace.

oh and these guys aren't doing to shabby either.


as i pack and unpack this has been the song that i play on repeat - and sing on the top of my lungs.


i can't wait to see what this years adventures will be.

the journey that must be walked.

life is a journey and i have always said that i will gladly travel. it would just seem that for the past two months it has been extreme traveling.

i think that deep down inside we know the truths about ourselves that we never want to the rest of the world to know...or in even some cases that we don't even want ourselves to know.

i'm not scared of the things that are hard. i think that i truly understand that once we work through the hard there is a better and a healthier side waiting. i have just been shown lately that not everyone is ready to face up to the hard first.

i want to be a healthy - responsible - growing - learning - active - loving - helpful person. i want to live life fully and , yes, maybe there will be regrets but i want to be able to see a lesson in each regret. i don't want unhealthy fears to rule life.

i do think that we are all doing the best we can. and your best might look different then my best but everyone is trying. the tragic part of that, i have now learned, is that your best might not be healthy for me to be so involved in.

i can't feel things slightly - i naturally involve myself fully. i naturally care a lot. i naturally want best for people. i naturally want to fight for you even when you refuse to fight for yourself. i naturally believe in people and that belief does not dwindle even when they fail.

.which. makes it almost impossible for me to walk away.

two months of this extreme traveling has taught me that sometimes we have to walk away in belief that one day we can walk back to better.

and so, my feet will walk.

change

a growing person is self - renewing....

as new as each day...

study his face and hands,
listen to his voice...
look for change...

it is certain he has change.

approach me, then, with a sense of wonder,
study my face and hands and voice for signs of change;

for it is certain i have changed.