a kiss for love. a kiss for luck.

i can't help but wonder how you start to piece together who you are. especially when i feel like i have lost a lot of who i am. and especially because i think that i'm ok that i have lost a lot of that. i just can't seem to figure out how to recognize who i am right now.

sometimes i wish i could just pile together who everyone else thinks i am and go from there. the problem would be that i'm not sure if i necessarily agree with who everyone thinks i am or who i should be.

i think that it would be a whole lot easier to just get up and go. be in somewhere completely new and start again. i am SO good at starting again.

.but.

i can't help escape the feeling that i must learn who i am when i'm not always leaving. i have to figure out who i am when i'm staying and dealing.

i have this huge fear of complacency.

and i'm going to let that period sit there for a little while because that statement should just stand. but lately this thought of complacency maybe isn't all that bad because it keeps you somewhere. all of a sudden you have routines. and you have a created life. and you have roots. i fear all these things but in the same breath i long for all these things.

it's january 10. 10 days into 2010. 10 days into these new year resolution thoughts and, lord all mighty, these new years resolutions hold weight.

it would be real nice if someone would just come along and let me know everything i am suppose to do. it would be even nicer if i would just listen to what that someone would say instead of going against exactly what i'm told.