a kiss for love. a kiss for luck.

i can't help but wonder how you start to piece together who you are. especially when i feel like i have lost a lot of who i am. and especially because i think that i'm ok that i have lost a lot of that. i just can't seem to figure out how to recognize who i am right now.

sometimes i wish i could just pile together who everyone else thinks i am and go from there. the problem would be that i'm not sure if i necessarily agree with who everyone thinks i am or who i should be.

i think that it would be a whole lot easier to just get up and go. be in somewhere completely new and start again. i am SO good at starting again.

.but.

i can't help escape the feeling that i must learn who i am when i'm not always leaving. i have to figure out who i am when i'm staying and dealing.

i have this huge fear of complacency.

and i'm going to let that period sit there for a little while because that statement should just stand. but lately this thought of complacency maybe isn't all that bad because it keeps you somewhere. all of a sudden you have routines. and you have a created life. and you have roots. i fear all these things but in the same breath i long for all these things.

it's january 10. 10 days into 2010. 10 days into these new year resolution thoughts and, lord all mighty, these new years resolutions hold weight.

it would be real nice if someone would just come along and let me know everything i am suppose to do. it would be even nicer if i would just listen to what that someone would say instead of going against exactly what i'm told.

i think this is ok to say

"and it occurred to him that there were two parts to being a better person. one part was thinking about other people. the other part was not giving a toss what other people thought."

-mark haddon

new beginnings came just in time.

i have this fear of saying things out loud. i think somewhere along the line i realized that when you say things out loud they become more real. you must begin on those thoughts and those dreams.

the new year is here. for some reason 2010 has come with some weight to it. i feel like this is the year. this one is going to be so full. this one is going to bring change. this one is going to take all the things i have been so easily avoiding and it's going to say "grow up and deal with me".

and i think that i'm ok with that.

so here, written down to never be forgotten, are the things that i'm hoping that i can bring to my table of life in the new year.

* i want to start to enjoy my coffee and tea times again. life have been moving so quickly and i have been trying to keep up with it. i can't remember the last time i sat and said "this is amazing coffee!" i want to hold it in my hands and feel its warmth. i want to sip slowly and feel that liquid gently go down my throat and fill me with love.

* i want to fill myself with meaningful activities. i feel like i am always doing things but most of these things are for others. at the end of the day i am exhausted and i feel empty. each day i want to do an activity that brings me joy, that fills me with strength, and that grows me. one way i want to do this is begin swimming laps again. i will swim my way into the spring again when my legs can take over and run me through this city.

* i want to start writing again. i have kept these thoughts in my head for too long and they have grown and consumed me. i want to let them out and not fear the words that come but accept them.

* i want to start living this mantra for myself and when dealing with others.

we are all doing the best that we can. i will not get down on myself for not being good enough - not doing enough - not being what everyone else thinks we should be. i daily do the best that i can and i believe others are doing the same. so i'm to start being gracious with myself in that respect and believe others need that grace of that thought too.

* i want to realize how blessed i am by the ones around me. i want to treasure them while we are together and not wait until they are gone. showing gratitude to the ones i love so that there is not a doubt of how honored i have been to be blessed with their unconditional love, compassions, and understanding.

and finally...

this is the one that i think that i am the most scared of because there is no simple solution. but...

* i want to figure out what my needs are. for the last couple of months the question that i have noticed that i can't answer is "what do you need." i can tell you what most people need. i can tell you what i am doing for a lot of them so that those needs are fulfilled but i don't know for myself. i have realized that i focus so much on others that i have lost myself. i don't know what i need in life to be ok because i have always had to be ok - even though most of the time i feel like i'm slowly drowning. so this is the year that i'm going to say that it's ok to say "i need..." and not feel weak to say that and not to feel guilty putting that out there. janis joplin says " don't compromise yourself. you are all you've got." i say that sounds really good to me.