almost a year spend on this puzzle.

tonight i write because i miss renee and ellen and i know that when home is relative, seeing the most impersonal post can bring comfort.

tonight i write because the band is playing strong and they remind me of good friends - late night backporch get togethers - and the coolest garage band i have ever known.

tonight i write because there is sweat dripping down my back and only thing i want to do is jump in the lake and float there as i watch the stars.

tonight i write because my legs itch to run...even next to a guy who thinks his shirt belongs tied around his head and who would rather die than stop going forward and i think my arms would be willing to do100 pushups and my heart would be filled with joy as hannah tries to sneak away or get by with just doing 1 when her time comes.

i think i went a little crazy for a little while - crazy would be a simple way of saying that i forgot who i was in this skin of mine. i knew who i was when i was walking next to the ocean. i knew who i was when i lived on an island with one stop light. i knew who i was when there was need all around me and every night was spent investing in others. i got back to the states and i didn't know who i was anymore - i didn't know where i belonged - i didn't know how i fit.

it blew.

the simplest of solutions:
stop
thinking
about
me.
i think that im starting to view this place as somewhere where most people aren't quite sure where they belong - how they fit - who cares for them.

so the crazy idea is...instead of struggling to find out my puzzle piece i think that im going to try to help others find theirs. and along that journey i think joy will be found - joy and most likely a lot of beauty - sprinkled with hope.

i don't know if i have ever said thank you yet. BUT it should be said to those of you that poured love out on me - who took time to understand me...or understand that there might not be any understanding - who took time to tell me stories from their day each night that would make me laugh until my stomach hurt - who made me run when i wanted to lay and listen to music - who made me lay and listen to music when i want to run - who let me come and breath at an organic farm - who insisted that harry potter should not put life on hold - who would go on picture walks with me - who would get excited about well taken pictures - who would let me hide in her place when college staff guys got to over baring - who swam lap after lap with me - who let me be confused - impulsive - contradictory - fearful - noncommittal - untrusting - fickle - hurtful - alone - but let me come back with open arms.

i feel like my life should be very different but what continues to fill it with blessings is these amazing people that continue to invest in me and decide for some reason that is far beyond my comprehension not to give up on me.

and i think everything is gonna be alright...

do you believe the weather when your have been freezing all day long - wrapped up in blankets all night long and there are promises of 78 degree temperatures on monday?

to be perfectly and completely honest i am done here. i feel like summer has begun and i should not be found anywhere near chicago.



i went to the lake on saturday - it was very hard to be so near water but not actually in water. rachel and paul come to visit this weekend - we relived our memory of when they came to visit in the bahamas and we all went shark fishing. i wish i had a scar on my hand from the jaws of a shark.

it's getting easier to talk about the bahamas but now i feel like the memories i tell sound make believe.

i am slowly going to start to move out of this apartment. i have already moved out in my heart - now it's just getting all the stuff out of here.

i feel like it's a time of change...but the change isn't coming fast enough. i know it's coming - something is going to happen but i don't know how or in what form.


martha is home again - i love this - i feel like i get to see her. she can give me hair touch ups - i really just love layers and make monster cookies and tell mom when i am hurt even if i don't want to talk about it and tell me that i'm acting like i rebellious child named isabella when i really am.

one of my students said the other day "ms. jardine your hair keeps getting messier and messier." to which from across the room comes the yell of another " yeah, it's called bedhead...."



do you have a friend that just makes you think " i really have to live this life a little better." i was by one this weekend. so i'm going to start. and my living this life a little better might look a little differently then your going to live this life a little better but i think it's recognizable when it's seen in someones life.



i don't buy " i'm in a bad spot right now." then get out.

i have always wanted a gently spirit - i don't have one. but i think that i would like to surround myself with those kind of people. they seem to make this world a little more beautiful.

joshua radin's voice is like a warm breeze on a summer night. i dig him and his guitar. i have always been a sucker for a man with a guitar.

big big moon little little me.

yesterdays sunset was simply amazing. it made me dream of watching it set over water as my feet dangled gently in it. lake geneva’s pier is one of my favorite spots to watch the sun set.

laura and i use to chase sunsets in the bahamas. if we noticed there was an exceptional sunset to behold we would jump on our bikes and peddle our little hearts out until we found the right pier to take it all in. i think really great day would start with watching the sun rise and close with it’s setting…a full circle sort of thing.

i have realized when i really care about a person a few hours is just not enough. i struggle with this because i know it’s not fair to want so much time but just spending time with me is more valuable than diamonds. now this might get tricky because i will push you away as hard as i can but fill my self full with hopes that you will stick around. the more i learn about myself the more i realize what a twisted soul i have. it might be ok in the end because i really am a sucker for the tortured tormented type.

i have found a new appreciation for marking my calendar. looking towards future dates gives a person hope, hope of things to come.

i have a confession. i might love to say the word moonpie in my deepest southern accent but i don’t especially like to eat them.

in march and the beginnings of april i lost my faith in people. for me it is the worst place to be. it was like a ton of bricks that hit me over and over again until i left like i might not make it.

i will make april a month of new beginnings. my faith will be restored. beauty will be seen.

we need each other. we are nothing without each other. faith in people is being restored because of people in my lives.

every time melissa cries because we have killed another mouse in our apartment some faith is restored.

every time rachel pops out of nowhere and makes one statement that opens up the secrets of my soul and just understands, faith is restored.

and melissa will sit on my bed and let me tell her secrets of my heart and she will cry because of my heart is broken a little bit and I have decided not to mend it, faith is restored.

sitting around a table having a mexican easter meal laughing until my stomach hurts restores my faith.

i can’t wait until it is warm so i can run outside again. i want to run until i feel like my lungs are going to explode and i am dripping with sweat.

forest gump is my hero. i like to imagine myself just start to run one day. i will keep on running – constantly moving forward – until on day i stop because im ready because i think it’s time.

i have begun to pray for three things in my life. a dear dear dear friend opened my eyes to these areas and I have clung to them and cried out for them for myself and those people who share my prayers. courage…clarity…confidence. they are the c’s i wish to see in my life.

have you seen the bus with the advertisements for 101.9, eric and cathy will pose as different bands… i have decided from now on i will only pose for pictures in my best green day pose.

i am not looking for someone to come and solve all the problems in my life. come and walk beside me, let me rest beside you every once in a while until i get enough strength to push forward again.

i don’t want a savior i want a companion.

brew me a fine cup of solidarity

i love storms, strong storms that come in and slow everything to a snails pace. storms that make roommates who have not seen each other for weeks sit around their kitchen table and talk. storms that make driving treacherous, lip singing show hilarious and blankets, hot tea with greys anatomy the only thing on my mind.

i haven't been around in a long time and i don't know why. all of a sudden a snow storm comes to town and i realize that i like this place. i love the people in this place and, in the end, i would like to be around this place a little more often.

did i mention i went to california - my heart might have stayed in the mountains there. im sure that it will make frequent stops at the beach or coffee shops in santa cruz. it's not hard for me to pick up right where i left off with the people i love - it just seems natural and that’s how i know it's true. one day i would like an ounce of the hospitality that i was shown.

i have this reoccurring daydream. now im using the term daydream loosely - one day it will come as no surprise to me when it becomes a reality. sufjan stevens and i travel the country. he writes about it all and places his gentle notes to his gentle words and i take pictures of it all. we travel and observe and there's peace.

there might be one major regret of february 2007 and that would be missing the josh ritter concert - i know steve and rhonda...i know. don't worry there are plans developing as we speak to meet you guys in canada at a folk feast and greet josh once again. it's not all that shabby a february.

justin fenstermen is my favorite valentines phone call. im making sushi again tonight justin. no it's not real crab meat.

im so glad that jt is bringing sexy back.

there are 10,000 chicago public school children who are homeless. one of those kids is now in my class. an 11 year old should not have to deal with being kicked out of his home. i watched him mourn a broken home today. i watched the toughest kid in my class weep and i cried with him. sometimes i think that my heart is not strong enough for these kids because i break right along with them.

have you click on the hunger site today? http://www.thehungersite.com please and thank you.

wash with pomegranate.

me doing this usually means me not doing my lessons plans. thursday nights make an internal battle in me that might never be won. greys anatomy makes me look forward to them all week long and knowing that all my lesson plans are due the next day makes me dread dread dread them.

i think that i had a crush on derek at volleyball this week. it must have snuck in with his dramatic eye roll and loud sigh and left with the unnecessary ball throwing. does his new spoken passion for africa have anything to do with it?

i am no longer that only jardine who has not had an accident. when i go out i go out strong - im talking about 4 car pile up strong. i think that asking me to remain sitting in my car might be the hardest request possible when there is opportunity for me administer first aid. my dream of being a nurse still lurks.

i wish all of you could see the beauty of my mom coming into my classroom to read and sing with the kids. something about the worst of the worst sing folk songs with a grey haired kind hearted women is completely magical.

i love camp. i love serving. i love serving at camp at 7:15 in the morning on my only real morning off. i love jill. i also love serving at camp with jill and deciding to walk into town in freezing rain and snow to warm ourselves with tea and cider and have sliding contest throughout most of our adventure. down jackets make the world go around.

as it would turn out jason mraz has just come back from india - another reason for soulmates? how embarrassing though that he forgot to take his favorite girl to the land she dreams of. reading his poetic words fills me with nothing but forgiveness.

in the end pomegranate hand soap really does smell amazing.

oh and life of pi had me crying on the train - read it...hmmm wait....let me finish it first then i will give me final thoughts. so far it's a thumbs up.

i will go here...

breathing in the new year.

i was holding my breath for a little while and all of a sudden i wasn't me anymore.

breathe- i forget to sometimes. and my world starts to look small and things start to look complicated and i get a little sad.

hopping into a car and passing from state to state makes me feel like i'm breathing again.

sitting on a beach listening to waves crash and watching the dolphins say their hello is breathing.

applauding the sun as it says its goodnight and sets over the water with strangers who don't feel so strange as my new friend softly strums his guitar next to me is breathing.

singing on the very very top of my lungs and waving my fist in the air as we dodge our highway police men because we might be going way to fast is breathing.

hopes of sweet southern apple pie and BOOOOOY those little chicken biscuits in middle of the south with surprise trips to the airport and a sister who thinks that rules are allowed on road trips with regina speckor sneaking in a breaking rule....#4 is breathing.

it's a new year full of new hopes and dreams.

resolutions: these things are serious to me. once they are said out loud they become a little more real. i wont say them all out loud yet - i can't yet. i'm scared for a couple to become more real. BUT...

#1 - pick up the phone when i know it's ringing.
#2 - communication. i don't do it and i'm sorry. faithful old friends who wait patiently are blessings for girls who find running away to battle new adventures way easier than sticking around to battle old hurts. does it help that i'm aware of it?
#3 - research my homeland of india.
#4 - don't ever tell my gypsy blood not to pound inside of me.

and breathe. it's important.

and i still jason mraz.

and ellen moore. i love her and her delicately sweet voice.