how to be an explorer of the world.

"look," i said.

Then, all of a sudden, I got this idea.

“Look,” I said. “Here’s my idea. How would you like to get the hell out of here? Here’s my idea. I know this guy down in Greenwich Village that we can borrow his car for a couple weeks. He used to go to the same school I did and he still owes me ten bucks. What we could do is, tomorrow morning we could drive up to Massachusetts and Vermont, and all around there, see. It’s beautiful as hell up there. It really is.” I was getting excited as hell, the more I thought about it, and I sort of reached over and took old Sally’s goddam hand. What a goddamfool I was. “No kidding,” I said. “I have about a hundred and eighty bucks in the bank. I can take it out when it opens in the morning, and then I could go down and get this guy’s car. No kidding. We’ll stay in these cabin camps and stuff like that till the dough runs out. Then, when the dough runs out, I could get a job somewhere and we could live somewhere with a brook and all and, later on, we could get married or something. I could chop all our own wood in the wintertime and all. Honest to God, we could have a terrific time! Wuddaya say? C’mon! Wuddaya say? Will you do it with me? Please!”

J.D. Salinger, The Catcher in the Rye

when did adulthood start lacking magic?

last night i was talking to guy who found out i was a teacher. he told me that i am now working with the potential. as inspiring as he wanted that statement to be i found it heavily depressing.

when did we stop being the potential? at what age do we have to start saying "welp, missed that chance - now it's time to lay down and take it."

i'm not there yet. you can call me idealistic. you can say i have too high of standards. you can say that i might be an eternal optimist. but i just say that i hope i will not come to the point where i am ready to say i have missed my chance at something real great and there is not going to be another chance for that greatness.

yes, i am working with our future potentials. and i try every day to make them believe that there is still some magic in this world. along with grammar and reading i hope to be teaching that we need to take care of each other and that nothing is out of our reach. be it the dream of becoming a doctor or mastering the  michael jackson thriller dance.

i believe in the potential of my 3rd graders but somewhere along the many words that i spit out of my mouth on a daily basis i hope that i instill in them the confidence to know that their potential does not end when they enter into their adulthood. and one day if they are at a bar talking to a random man who thinks he is saying all the right inspiring things but really shooting down life's adventure that they will boldly know that potential does not end.

potential might be a harder thing to hold on to once adulthood hits but the things we fight for make them that much worth it. the belief that it's time to settle is not one i want to grasp and i pray to god that if you guys find me sitting around not believing that life is suppose to be beautiful and magical you take away two to three cats and make me do something i'm really scared of to live again.

so i leave you with a quote from a league of their own. we watched it the other night. i cried to it the other night. i figured out i have been looking for jimmy dugan most of my life.

Jimmy Dugan: Shit, Dottie, if you want to go back to Oregon and make a hundred babies, great, I'm in no position to tell anyone how to live. But sneaking out like this, quitting, you'll regret it for the rest of your life. Baseball is what gets inside you. It's what lights you up, you can't deny that.

Dottie Hinson: It just got too hard.

Jimmy Dugan: It's supposed to be hard! If it wasn't hard, everyone would do it. The hard... is what makes it great!

i know that i am so scared of many of life's failures. sometimes it sickens me to know what i have passed up to stay in a safe place i have created for myself. but, please believe with me that we are not done. it is not too late. our potential is something that we are suppose to strive for until the end.

perhaps, life's potential just begins to change along the way.

you know: love.:.love.:.love.:.

"What is REAL?" asked the Rabbit one day, when they were lying side by side near the nursery fender, before Nana came to tidy the room. "Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick-out handle?"

"Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real."

"Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit.

"Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. "When you are Real you don't mind being hurt."

"Does it happen all at once, like being wound up," he asked, "or bit by bit?"

"It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in your joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."

- the velveteen rabbit

a kiss for love. a kiss for luck.

i can't help but wonder how you start to piece together who you are. especially when i feel like i have lost a lot of who i am. and especially because i think that i'm ok that i have lost a lot of that. i just can't seem to figure out how to recognize who i am right now.

sometimes i wish i could just pile together who everyone else thinks i am and go from there. the problem would be that i'm not sure if i necessarily agree with who everyone thinks i am or who i should be.

i think that it would be a whole lot easier to just get up and go. be in somewhere completely new and start again. i am SO good at starting again.

.but.

i can't help escape the feeling that i must learn who i am when i'm not always leaving. i have to figure out who i am when i'm staying and dealing.

i have this huge fear of complacency.

and i'm going to let that period sit there for a little while because that statement should just stand. but lately this thought of complacency maybe isn't all that bad because it keeps you somewhere. all of a sudden you have routines. and you have a created life. and you have roots. i fear all these things but in the same breath i long for all these things.

it's january 10. 10 days into 2010. 10 days into these new year resolution thoughts and, lord all mighty, these new years resolutions hold weight.

it would be real nice if someone would just come along and let me know everything i am suppose to do. it would be even nicer if i would just listen to what that someone would say instead of going against exactly what i'm told.

i think this is ok to say

"and it occurred to him that there were two parts to being a better person. one part was thinking about other people. the other part was not giving a toss what other people thought."

-mark haddon

new beginnings came just in time.

i have this fear of saying things out loud. i think somewhere along the line i realized that when you say things out loud they become more real. you must begin on those thoughts and those dreams.

the new year is here. for some reason 2010 has come with some weight to it. i feel like this is the year. this one is going to be so full. this one is going to bring change. this one is going to take all the things i have been so easily avoiding and it's going to say "grow up and deal with me".

and i think that i'm ok with that.

so here, written down to never be forgotten, are the things that i'm hoping that i can bring to my table of life in the new year.

* i want to start to enjoy my coffee and tea times again. life have been moving so quickly and i have been trying to keep up with it. i can't remember the last time i sat and said "this is amazing coffee!" i want to hold it in my hands and feel its warmth. i want to sip slowly and feel that liquid gently go down my throat and fill me with love.

* i want to fill myself with meaningful activities. i feel like i am always doing things but most of these things are for others. at the end of the day i am exhausted and i feel empty. each day i want to do an activity that brings me joy, that fills me with strength, and that grows me. one way i want to do this is begin swimming laps again. i will swim my way into the spring again when my legs can take over and run me through this city.

* i want to start writing again. i have kept these thoughts in my head for too long and they have grown and consumed me. i want to let them out and not fear the words that come but accept them.

* i want to start living this mantra for myself and when dealing with others.

we are all doing the best that we can. i will not get down on myself for not being good enough - not doing enough - not being what everyone else thinks we should be. i daily do the best that i can and i believe others are doing the same. so i'm to start being gracious with myself in that respect and believe others need that grace of that thought too.

* i want to realize how blessed i am by the ones around me. i want to treasure them while we are together and not wait until they are gone. showing gratitude to the ones i love so that there is not a doubt of how honored i have been to be blessed with their unconditional love, compassions, and understanding.

and finally...

this is the one that i think that i am the most scared of because there is no simple solution. but...

* i want to figure out what my needs are. for the last couple of months the question that i have noticed that i can't answer is "what do you need." i can tell you what most people need. i can tell you what i am doing for a lot of them so that those needs are fulfilled but i don't know for myself. i have realized that i focus so much on others that i have lost myself. i don't know what i need in life to be ok because i have always had to be ok - even though most of the time i feel like i'm slowly drowning. so this is the year that i'm going to say that it's ok to say "i need..." and not feel weak to say that and not to feel guilty putting that out there. janis joplin says " don't compromise yourself. you are all you've got." i say that sounds really good to me.