gently fall back and simultaneously begin to move your arms and your legs up and down in a jumping jack motion.

i would not call myself a super christmas choral type of girl.

yes, there are totally times when i am driving and put my volume as high as it will go and pump my fist with such gusto that one would think that the passion thats flows out of me is nothing of this earth - but that's just a girl enjoying a jam. i am totally aware that there is other music filling the earth at this holiday season and i find myself straying often from the musical festivities.

.but.

i wanted to share this tasty holiday treat with you. i am totally a song repeater. when i find one that speaks to my heart i have to hear it again and again. i have been known to repeat one song for weeks. this is a song that has been gently humming through my apartment for the last few days.



i have a winter theory that i think i began developing while i was scraping my car windows for 10 minutes and needed defrosting for the next 30.

i think that someone needs to stand up and say "there must be a national winter enjoyment day for those who have to deal with it's elements." i think that if the dealings we have with the winter is fighting it's elements then of course we are going to hate winter and grow bitter towards it. what if one day each year we had to make a snow angel in the fresh snow. what if it was mandatory to build a snow fort so you could have a place of protection when our wicked snowball fight started. and at the end of the day it was strongly recommended that you walk hand in hand with someone you love as the snow glistens in the street lights as it gently falls on you. hey - and while you are at it please finish it off with a hot cup of coco and a cuddle under a wool blanket.

i have this sneaky suspicion that the next day there would be a whole lot more cheer as people wait for a train to come their way or scrap off the snow that has settled on their cars.

i believe it is extremely important to do things that remind you why you love something. when we start doing something out of routine we seem to loose some passion and all of a sudden we start to forget why we work so hard for something or why it was so important in the first place.

remind yourself why you love the things you love.

a song that inspires a free dance and some polaroids to remind us of a good life.

i found this just as the last warmth was leaving us and i can't help but dancing to it now that there seems to be no warmth in sight.


speaking of warmth -

i keep beginning a book and then having someone recommend another good to begin and so on until i am piled high with just begun books. i have a book lying in my bed - i have a book lying on my couch - i have a book on the sink in my bathroom - i have one on my kitchen table and i have one leaning on a candle on the table in the dining room. i feel like im in a middle of five affairs and that can't bare to end. tonights goal is to commit to one book and give it the focus and quality time it deserves until i turn to its last page and can figure out who to pass it on too.

i don't know why we choose to live here but it seems to be the questions of the day with all this snow.


my cat sits on my shoulder like a parrot. there are times when he will get real tired and lie down up there. he will stretch himself fully around the back of my neck and keep me warm in this winter wonderland. i have not had that heart to tell him that he comes from the feline race and the perching on ones shoulder may not be as endearing to all the house guest. call me an enabler if you must.

getting to know my apartment again.

i have had this thought that has been developing for a while now but i don't know how to say it out loud yet. i know it's a truth that i hold dear. i know what it is when i experince it. i know what it feels like. i know when im around people who have the same ideal of this thought - who believe in this thought and strive for it. but i can't put it into words yet.

it has to do with truth. genuineness. peacefulness. growth. beauty. strength. community.

i long for a slower life but i don't allow myself to have one. tonight is a vary rare night of being home. i filled it with really good music. some reading time. organizing photos of late. major cuddling with emerson. and a little raw dinner with not so raw wine to follow (wink)

at one point i was in a middle of a dance from the kitchen to my bedroom and i had to just say out loud that "i am so happy to be home right now."

christmas break is coming so soon and i just can't wait. i want to say i have plans for something over the break but honestly i don't want to put anything on my plate and just see what life brings.

school this week is great. today we spent most of the day finishing the books the kids are writing and working on our dance for christmas assembly. dancing and writing - who can argue with that.

here are some things i love greatly that i have just found while i was organizing.

directions to one of my most favorite people.



time in my kitchen.


my nighttime view.



sweet


sweet


emerson


our little ones doing their part in the christmas program





my apartment has the old radiators. i love waking up to foggy windows in the morning because the steam is coming make all things alright.

oh me. im here. always have been.

i wanted to walk home yesterday. i wanted a stroll. nothing fast - slow methodical walking - just me and my thoughts.

i have been here all along i have just not been willing to sit and type. journals and journals have been filled and picture after picture has been taking - i just kept them next to my heart instead of sharing.

im ready to share.

i think that i have been extremely still lately. chopin usually wakes up with me in the morning and keeps me quietly content all day long. we write to chopin in class now. the other day mike walked into my class and said he felt like he was in a scene from silence of the lambs. christopher said "no way it's like we are in a coffee shop." little did he know that one day very soon i might just leave them all to start that coffee shop i dream of.

i don't know what to say besides the fact that i think that i am just growing - learning - healing - hurting and then healing agian.

i have these huge moments of joy where i think "dang life is so good and i am so undeserving" to other moments when i think that i need lots of road under my feet and i need to get as far away from life as i know it as possible.

a happy medium is what i am looking for and until then i will try to be extra still to fight the domastic life that has seemed to take over.

oh. and someone gave me a cat...and i hate cats. but i love this cat. it is shocking how much he has become a part of my existence. i am not a cat women but i will talk to mine and cuddle with him like you wouldn't believe and miss him when i have not been home for a while and wonder what he does all day long without me being there to play with him. but i am not a cat women.

a question that i have been asking lately is if there is a place that just feels like home. that you are so satisfied to be there that there are no thoughts of "where next" flowing through you. i don't know if i can honestly say that i have ever been somewhere were i thought that i was going to spend the rest of my life in. and i know that is sad...but i'm not sure if it's not right.

our world is so big. i feel like every time i step into a new place - embrace a new experience - meet a new person i grow as a person. i can't imagine ever being satisfied - i want to see it all - experience everything. don't get me wrong. i dream of finding home. i dream of being so at peace in a place that my blood stops its gypsy pumping and the change of the wind doesn't drive me to jump up and leave. i have a certain suspicion, though, that it might not be a place that does that for me but meeting the right person - so far he has alluded me.

i went to haiti again. this place brings a peace. i know that i feel more at home walking through the streets of filth then walking downtown. i feel more at home hugging a street kid that going out for a real fancy dinner.

if i could bring you to a place that makes my heart soar it might just be the metal art village we stopped in and visited.

these people are beautiful. i hated my white skin and straight hair and i know dream of carrying a haitian baby of my very own in my arms.

almost a year spend on this puzzle.

tonight i write because i miss renee and ellen and i know that when home is relative, seeing the most impersonal post can bring comfort.

tonight i write because the band is playing strong and they remind me of good friends - late night backporch get togethers - and the coolest garage band i have ever known.

tonight i write because there is sweat dripping down my back and only thing i want to do is jump in the lake and float there as i watch the stars.

tonight i write because my legs itch to run...even next to a guy who thinks his shirt belongs tied around his head and who would rather die than stop going forward and i think my arms would be willing to do100 pushups and my heart would be filled with joy as hannah tries to sneak away or get by with just doing 1 when her time comes.

i think i went a little crazy for a little while - crazy would be a simple way of saying that i forgot who i was in this skin of mine. i knew who i was when i was walking next to the ocean. i knew who i was when i lived on an island with one stop light. i knew who i was when there was need all around me and every night was spent investing in others. i got back to the states and i didn't know who i was anymore - i didn't know where i belonged - i didn't know how i fit.

it blew.

the simplest of solutions:
stop
thinking
about
me.
i think that im starting to view this place as somewhere where most people aren't quite sure where they belong - how they fit - who cares for them.

so the crazy idea is...instead of struggling to find out my puzzle piece i think that im going to try to help others find theirs. and along that journey i think joy will be found - joy and most likely a lot of beauty - sprinkled with hope.

i don't know if i have ever said thank you yet. BUT it should be said to those of you that poured love out on me - who took time to understand me...or understand that there might not be any understanding - who took time to tell me stories from their day each night that would make me laugh until my stomach hurt - who made me run when i wanted to lay and listen to music - who made me lay and listen to music when i want to run - who let me come and breath at an organic farm - who insisted that harry potter should not put life on hold - who would go on picture walks with me - who would get excited about well taken pictures - who would let me hide in her place when college staff guys got to over baring - who swam lap after lap with me - who let me be confused - impulsive - contradictory - fearful - noncommittal - untrusting - fickle - hurtful - alone - but let me come back with open arms.

i feel like my life should be very different but what continues to fill it with blessings is these amazing people that continue to invest in me and decide for some reason that is far beyond my comprehension not to give up on me.

and i think everything is gonna be alright...

do you believe the weather when your have been freezing all day long - wrapped up in blankets all night long and there are promises of 78 degree temperatures on monday?

to be perfectly and completely honest i am done here. i feel like summer has begun and i should not be found anywhere near chicago.



i went to the lake on saturday - it was very hard to be so near water but not actually in water. rachel and paul come to visit this weekend - we relived our memory of when they came to visit in the bahamas and we all went shark fishing. i wish i had a scar on my hand from the jaws of a shark.

it's getting easier to talk about the bahamas but now i feel like the memories i tell sound make believe.

i am slowly going to start to move out of this apartment. i have already moved out in my heart - now it's just getting all the stuff out of here.

i feel like it's a time of change...but the change isn't coming fast enough. i know it's coming - something is going to happen but i don't know how or in what form.


martha is home again - i love this - i feel like i get to see her. she can give me hair touch ups - i really just love layers and make monster cookies and tell mom when i am hurt even if i don't want to talk about it and tell me that i'm acting like i rebellious child named isabella when i really am.

one of my students said the other day "ms. jardine your hair keeps getting messier and messier." to which from across the room comes the yell of another " yeah, it's called bedhead...."



do you have a friend that just makes you think " i really have to live this life a little better." i was by one this weekend. so i'm going to start. and my living this life a little better might look a little differently then your going to live this life a little better but i think it's recognizable when it's seen in someones life.



i don't buy " i'm in a bad spot right now." then get out.

i have always wanted a gently spirit - i don't have one. but i think that i would like to surround myself with those kind of people. they seem to make this world a little more beautiful.

joshua radin's voice is like a warm breeze on a summer night. i dig him and his guitar. i have always been a sucker for a man with a guitar.