units of time

i have entered a long distance relationship. today i keep thinking of that movie about a boy. i guess on one of the occasions of watching it i took to hear how he explained time in a day and placed it in the deeps of my memory so that it could pop up today.

"I find the key is to think of a day as units of time, each unit consisting of no more than thirty minutes. Full hours can be a little bit intimidating and most activities take about half an hour. Taking a bath: one unit, watching countdown: one unit, web-based research: two units, exercising: three units, having my hair carefully disheveled: four units. It's amazing how the day fills up."

i have been doing this lately. trying to fill up my days. finding units to distract me to the fact that my best friend is no longer by my side.

i want to be good at this. i think that for the past two days i have failed at being good at this.

my emotions work in this funny way where they hide and hide so well until they explode all over the ones i care most about. i know that it is 2011 and it seems that the theme of all things weather in 2011 is to explode all over whatever is near but i would prefer to harness these crazy emotions and sail on steady streams.

so i'm back to writing. this may involve just saying that to cope with a long distance relationship i am going to make my days full of half hour units until my day is so full that my day isn't so lonely. hopefully these writings will change to how my days are filled with beauty and i get extra beauty because i have a companion on the other side of the country sharing his days that are filled with beauty. it will be like having double duty beauty days.

.:.change.:.

every cell in the human body regenerates, on average, every seven years.

like snakes, in our own way, we shed our skin.

but, biologically we are brand new people.

we may look the same,

the change isn't visible, at least not in most of us.

but we are all changed,

completely,

forever.

when we say things like people don't change it drive scientist crazy. because change is literally the only constant is science.

energy,

matter,

it's always changing

morphing, merging, growing, dying.

it's the way people try not to change that is unnatural.

the way we cling to the way things were instead of letting them be the way they are. the way we cling to old memories instead of making new ones.

the way we insist,

despite every scientific indication,

that

anything in life

is permanent.

change is constant. how we experience change...that's up to us.

it can feel like death, or it can it can feel like a second chance at life.

if we open or fingers, loosen or grips, go with it

...it can feel like pure adrenalin.

like at any moment we can have a second chance at life.

“Some people do not have to search, for they find their niche early in life and rest there seemingly contented and resigned.

At times, I envy them but usually I do not understand them…

And seldom do they understand me.

I am one of those searchers.

There are, I believe, millions of us. We are not unhappy, but neither are we completely content.

We continue to explore ourselves, hoping to understand.

We like to walk along the beach; we are drawn to the ocean, taken by its power and unceasing motion, its mystery and unspeakable beauty.

We like forests, mountains, deserts, hidden rivers, and lovely cities as well. Our sadness is as much a part of our lives as our laughter. We are ambitious only for life itself and for anything beautiful it can provide.

Most of all, we want to love and be loved, to live in a relationship that will not impede our wanderings and prevent our search.

We do not want to prove ourselves to others or compete for love.

This passage is for wanderers, dreamers, and lovers who dare to ask of life everything which is good and beautiful.”

i'm trying.

how to be an explorer of the world.

"look," i said.

Then, all of a sudden, I got this idea.

“Look,” I said. “Here’s my idea. How would you like to get the hell out of here? Here’s my idea. I know this guy down in Greenwich Village that we can borrow his car for a couple weeks. He used to go to the same school I did and he still owes me ten bucks. What we could do is, tomorrow morning we could drive up to Massachusetts and Vermont, and all around there, see. It’s beautiful as hell up there. It really is.” I was getting excited as hell, the more I thought about it, and I sort of reached over and took old Sally’s goddam hand. What a goddamfool I was. “No kidding,” I said. “I have about a hundred and eighty bucks in the bank. I can take it out when it opens in the morning, and then I could go down and get this guy’s car. No kidding. We’ll stay in these cabin camps and stuff like that till the dough runs out. Then, when the dough runs out, I could get a job somewhere and we could live somewhere with a brook and all and, later on, we could get married or something. I could chop all our own wood in the wintertime and all. Honest to God, we could have a terrific time! Wuddaya say? C’mon! Wuddaya say? Will you do it with me? Please!”

J.D. Salinger, The Catcher in the Rye

when did adulthood start lacking magic?

last night i was talking to guy who found out i was a teacher. he told me that i am now working with the potential. as inspiring as he wanted that statement to be i found it heavily depressing.

when did we stop being the potential? at what age do we have to start saying "welp, missed that chance - now it's time to lay down and take it."

i'm not there yet. you can call me idealistic. you can say i have too high of standards. you can say that i might be an eternal optimist. but i just say that i hope i will not come to the point where i am ready to say i have missed my chance at something real great and there is not going to be another chance for that greatness.

yes, i am working with our future potentials. and i try every day to make them believe that there is still some magic in this world. along with grammar and reading i hope to be teaching that we need to take care of each other and that nothing is out of our reach. be it the dream of becoming a doctor or mastering the  michael jackson thriller dance.

i believe in the potential of my 3rd graders but somewhere along the many words that i spit out of my mouth on a daily basis i hope that i instill in them the confidence to know that their potential does not end when they enter into their adulthood. and one day if they are at a bar talking to a random man who thinks he is saying all the right inspiring things but really shooting down life's adventure that they will boldly know that potential does not end.

potential might be a harder thing to hold on to once adulthood hits but the things we fight for make them that much worth it. the belief that it's time to settle is not one i want to grasp and i pray to god that if you guys find me sitting around not believing that life is suppose to be beautiful and magical you take away two to three cats and make me do something i'm really scared of to live again.

so i leave you with a quote from a league of their own. we watched it the other night. i cried to it the other night. i figured out i have been looking for jimmy dugan most of my life.

Jimmy Dugan: Shit, Dottie, if you want to go back to Oregon and make a hundred babies, great, I'm in no position to tell anyone how to live. But sneaking out like this, quitting, you'll regret it for the rest of your life. Baseball is what gets inside you. It's what lights you up, you can't deny that.

Dottie Hinson: It just got too hard.

Jimmy Dugan: It's supposed to be hard! If it wasn't hard, everyone would do it. The hard... is what makes it great!

i know that i am so scared of many of life's failures. sometimes it sickens me to know what i have passed up to stay in a safe place i have created for myself. but, please believe with me that we are not done. it is not too late. our potential is something that we are suppose to strive for until the end.

perhaps, life's potential just begins to change along the way.