a process too complicated to explain

units of time

2011-08-25T22:07:00.000-07:00

i have entered a long distance relationship. today i keep thinking of that movie about a boy. i guess on one of the occasions of watching it i took to hear how he explained time in a day and placed it in the deeps of my memory so that it could pop up today.

"I find the key is to think of a day as units of time, each unit consisting of no more than thirty minutes. Full hours can be a little bit intimidating and most activities take about half an hour. Taking a bath: one unit, watching countdown: one unit, web-based research: two units, exercising: three units, having my hair carefully disheveled: four units. It's amazing how the day fills up."

i have been doing this lately. trying to fill up my days. finding units to distract me to the fact that my best friend is no longer by my side.

i want to be good at this. i think that for the past two days i have failed at being good at this.

my emotions work in this funny way where they hide and hide so well until they explode all over the ones i care most about. i know that it is 2011 and it seems that the theme of all things weather in 2011 is to explode all over whatever is near but i would prefer to harness these crazy emotions and sail on steady streams.

so i'm back to writing. this may involve just saying that to cope with a long distance relationship i am going to make my days full of half hour units until my day is so full that my day isn't so lonely. hopefully these writings will change to how my days are filled with beauty and i get extra beauty because i have a companion on the other side of the country sharing his days that are filled with beauty. it will be like having double duty beauty days.

.:.change.:.

2010-09-25T13:14:00.000-07:00

every cell in the human body regenerates, on average, every seven years.

like snakes, in our own way, we shed our skin.

but, biologically we are brand new people.

we may look the same,

the change isn't visible, at least not in most of us.

but we are all changed,

completely,

forever.

when we say things like people don't change it drive scientist crazy. because change is literally the only constant is science.

energy,

matter,

it's always changing

morphing, merging, growing, dying.

it's the way people try not to change that is unnatural.

the way we cling to the way things were instead of letting them be the way they are. the way we cling to old memories instead of making new ones.

the way we insist,

despite every scientific indication,

that

anything in life

is permanent.

change is constant. how we experience change...that's up to us.

it can feel like death, or it can it can feel like a second chance at life.

if we open or fingers, loosen or grips, go with it

...it can feel like pure adrenalin.

like at any moment we can have a second chance at life.

2010-06-19T18:31:00.000-07:00

“Some people do not have to search, for they find their niche early in life and rest there seemingly contented and resigned.

At times, I envy them but usually I do not understand them…

And seldom do they understand me.

I am one of those searchers.

There are, I believe, millions of us. We are not unhappy, but neither are we completely content.

We continue to explore ourselves, hoping to understand.

We like to walk along the beach; we are drawn to the ocean, taken by its power and unceasing motion, its mystery and unspeakable beauty.

We like forests, mountains, deserts, hidden rivers, and lovely cities as well. Our sadness is as much a part of our lives as our laughter. We are ambitious only for life itself and for anything beautiful it can provide.

Most of all, we want to love and be loved, to live in a relationship that will not impede our wanderings and prevent our search.

We do not want to prove ourselves to others or compete for love.

This passage is for wanderers, dreamers, and lovers who dare to ask of life everything which is good and beautiful.”

i'm trying.

2010-06-13T08:39:00.000-07:00

how to be an explorer of the world.

2010-03-07T17:32:00.000-08:00

"look," i said.

2010-02-28T22:35:00.000-08:00

Then, all of a sudden, I got this idea.

“Look,” I said. “Here’s my idea. How would you like to get the hell out of here? Here’s my idea. I know this guy down in Greenwich Village that we can borrow his car for a couple weeks. He used to go to the same school I did and he still owes me ten bucks. What we could do is, tomorrow morning we could drive up to Massachusetts and Vermont, and all around there, see. It’s beautiful as hell up there. It really is.” I was getting excited as hell, the more I thought about it, and I sort of reached over and took old Sally’s goddam hand. What a goddamfool I was. “No kidding,” I said. “I have about a hundred and eighty bucks in the bank. I can take it out when it opens in the morning, and then I could go down and get this guy’s car. No kidding. We’ll stay in these cabin camps and stuff like that till the dough runs out. Then, when the dough runs out, I could get a job somewhere and we could live somewhere with a brook and all and, later on, we could get married or something. I could chop all our own wood in the wintertime and all. Honest to God, we could have a terrific time! Wuddaya say? C’mon! Wuddaya say? Will you do it with me? Please!”

J.D. Salinger, The Catcher in the Rye

when did adulthood start lacking magic?

2010-02-15T10:59:00.000-08:00

last night i was talking to guy who found out i was a teacher. he told me that i am now working with the potential. as inspiring as he wanted that statement to be i found it heavily depressing.

when did we stop being the potential? at what age do we have to start saying "welp, missed that chance - now it's time to lay down and take it."

i'm not there yet. you can call me idealistic. you can say i have too high of standards. you can say that i might be an eternal optimist. but i just say that i hope i will not come to the point where i am ready to say i have missed my chance at something real great and there is not going to be another chance for that greatness.

yes, i am working with our future potentials. and i try every day to make them believe that there is still some magic in this world. along with grammar and reading i hope to be teaching that we need to take care of each other and that nothing is out of our reach. be it the dream of becoming a doctor or mastering the michael jackson thriller dance.

i believe in the potential of my 3rd graders but somewhere along the many words that i spit out of my mouth on a daily basis i hope that i instill in them the confidence to know that their potential does not end when they enter into their adulthood. and one day if they are at a bar talking to a random man who thinks he is saying all the right inspiring things but really shooting down life's adventure that they will boldly know that potential does not end.

potential might be a harder thing to hold on to once adulthood hits but the things we fight for make them that much worth it. the belief that it's time to settle is not one i want to grasp and i pray to god that if you guys find me sitting around not believing that life is suppose to be beautiful and magical you take away two to three cats and make me do something i'm really scared of to live again.

so i leave you with a quote from a league of their own. we watched it the other night. i cried to it the other night. i figured out i have been looking for jimmy dugan most of my life.

Jimmy Dugan: Shit, Dottie, if you want to go back to Oregon and make a hundred babies, great, I'm in no position to tell anyone how to live. But sneaking out like this, quitting, you'll regret it for the rest of your life. Baseball is what gets inside you. It's what lights you up, you can't deny that.

Dottie Hinson: It just got too hard.

Jimmy Dugan: It's supposed to be hard! If it wasn't hard, everyone would do it. The hard... is what makes it great!

i know that i am so scared of many of life's failures. sometimes it sickens me to know what i have passed up to stay in a safe place i have created for myself. but, please believe with me that we are not done. it is not too late. our potential is something that we are suppose to strive for until the end.

perhaps, life's potential just begins to change along the way.

you know: love.:.love.:.love.:.

2010-02-14T11:21:00.000-08:00

"What is REAL?" asked the Rabbit one day, when they were lying side by side near the nursery fender, before Nana came to tidy the room. "Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick-out handle?"

"Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real."

"Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit.

"Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. "When you are Real you don't mind being hurt."

"Does it happen all at once, like being wound up," he asked, "or bit by bit?"

"It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in your joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."

- the velveteen rabbit

a kiss for love. a kiss for luck.

2010-01-10T18:56:00.000-08:00

i can't help but wonder how you start to piece together who you are. especially when i feel like i have lost a lot of who i am. and especially because i think that i'm ok that i have lost a lot of that. i just can't seem to figure out how to recognize who i am right now.

sometimes i wish i could just pile together who everyone else thinks i am and go from there. the problem would be that i'm not sure if i necessarily agree with who everyone thinks i am or who i should be.

i think that it would be a whole lot easier to just get up and go. be in somewhere completely new and start again. i am SO good at starting again.

.but.

i can't help escape the feeling that i must learn who i am when i'm not always leaving. i have to figure out who i am when i'm staying and dealing.

i have this huge fear of complacency.

and i'm going to let that period sit there for a little while because that statement should just stand. but lately this thought of complacency maybe isn't all that bad because it keeps you somewhere. all of a sudden you have routines. and you have a created life. and you have roots. i fear all these things but in the same breath i long for all these things.

it's january 10. 10 days into 2010. 10 days into these new year resolution thoughts and, lord all mighty, these new years resolutions hold weight.

it would be real nice if someone would just come along and let me know everything i am suppose to do. it would be even nicer if i would just listen to what that someone would say instead of going against exactly what i'm told.

i think this is ok to say

2010-01-05T16:44:00.000-08:00

"and it occurred to him that there were two parts to being a better person. one part was thinking about other people. the other part was not giving a toss what other people thought."

-mark haddon

new beginnings came just in time.

2010-01-03T14:25:00.000-08:00

i have this fear of saying things out loud. i think somewhere along the line i realized that when you say things out loud they become more real. you must begin on those thoughts and those dreams.

the new year is here. for some reason 2010 has come with some weight to it. i feel like this is the year. this one is going to be so full. this one is going to bring change. this one is going to take all the things i have been so easily avoiding and it's going to say "grow up and deal with me".

and i think that i'm ok with that.

so here, written down to never be forgotten, are the things that i'm hoping that i can bring to my table of life in the new year.

* i want to start to enjoy my coffee and tea times again. life have been moving so quickly and i have been trying to keep up with it. i can't remember the last time i sat and said "this is amazing coffee!" i want to hold it in my hands and feel its warmth. i want to sip slowly and feel that liquid gently go down my throat and fill me with love.

* i want to fill myself with meaningful activities. i feel like i am always doing things but most of these things are for others. at the end of the day i am exhausted and i feel empty. each day i want to do an activity that brings me joy, that fills me with strength, and that grows me. one way i want to do this is begin swimming laps again. i will swim my way into the spring again when my legs can take over and run me through this city.

* i want to start writing again. i have kept these thoughts in my head for too long and they have grown and consumed me. i want to let them out and not fear the words that come but accept them.

* i want to start living this mantra for myself and when dealing with others.

we are all doing the best that we can. i will not get down on myself for not being good enough - not doing enough - not being what everyone else thinks we should be. i daily do the best that i can and i believe others are doing the same. so i'm to start being gracious with myself in that respect and believe others need that grace of that thought too.

* i want to realize how blessed i am by the ones around me. i want to treasure them while we are together and not wait until they are gone. showing gratitude to the ones i love so that there is not a doubt of how honored i have been to be blessed with their unconditional love, compassions, and understanding.

and finally...

this is the one that i think that i am the most scared of because there is no simple solution. but...

* i want to figure out what my needs are. for the last couple of months the question that i have noticed that i can't answer is "what do you need." i can tell you what most people need. i can tell you what i am doing for a lot of them so that those needs are fulfilled but i don't know for myself. i have realized that i focus so much on others that i have lost myself. i don't know what i need in life to be ok because i have always had to be ok - even though most of the time i feel like i'm slowly drowning. so this is the year that i'm going to say that it's ok to say "i need..." and not feel weak to say that and not to feel guilty putting that out there. janis joplin says " don't compromise yourself. you are all you've got." i say that sounds really good to me.

oh the times they are a changing...but at the same time...not.

2009-09-01T10:27:00.000-07:00

everything around me is in boxes. i have discovered that i love moving in theory - it's the act of it that makes me never want to do it again.

.but. once again
i. have. moved.

i went from being completely alone to living with two girls where everyone is always welcome. i need this. i thrive on community. there has only been one night so far that someone has not ended crashing on the couch or filling every bed we have around here. sunday our super sleepover count was 8. that's just...super.

our nights are spent coming together and cooking and playing the records and lighting the candles. there is so much love in this place that it feels like christmas is right around the corner.

im happy.
im excited for what is to come.
im a part of something bigger than myself.
im at peace.

oh and these guys aren't doing to shabby either.

as i pack and unpack this has been the song that i play on repeat - and sing on the top of my lungs.

i can't wait to see what this years adventures will be.

the journey that must be walked.

2009-08-17T08:05:00.000-07:00

life is a journey and i have always said that i will gladly travel. it would just seem that for the past two months it has been extreme traveling.

i think that deep down inside we know the truths about ourselves that we never want to the rest of the world to know...or in even some cases that we don't even want ourselves to know.

i'm not scared of the things that are hard. i think that i truly understand that once we work through the hard there is a better and a healthier side waiting. i have just been shown lately that not everyone is ready to face up to the hard first.

i want to be a healthy - responsible - growing - learning - active - loving - helpful person. i want to live life fully and , yes, maybe there will be regrets but i want to be able to see a lesson in each regret. i don't want unhealthy fears to rule life.

i do think that we are all doing the best we can. and your best might look different then my best but everyone is trying. the tragic part of that, i have now learned, is that your best might not be healthy for me to be so involved in.

i can't feel things slightly - i naturally involve myself fully. i naturally care a lot. i naturally want best for people. i naturally want to fight for you even when you refuse to fight for yourself. i naturally believe in people and that belief does not dwindle even when they fail.

.which. makes it almost impossible for me to walk away.

two months of this extreme traveling has taught me that sometimes we have to walk away in belief that one day we can walk back to better.

and so, my feet will walk.

change

2009-07-11T07:23:00.000-07:00

a growing person is self - renewing....

as new as each day...

study his face and hands,
listen to his voice...
look for change...

it is certain he has change.

approach me, then, with a sense of wonder,
study my face and hands and voice for signs of change;

for it is certain i have changed.

.:.clearly it's been a while.:.

2009-06-24T22:13:00.001-07:00

um. gracious.

.so it's been awhile.

at this very moment im listening to this. and it's perfect and amazing.

Rachael Yamagata & Ray Lamontagne - Duet (mp3)

and i'm sitting at my new wooden table i found in the ally.

and my feet look like this.

and my two constant companions are hanging out with me.

and i finally lit my "happy birthday to me gift".

and i just got through reading this amazing women's thoughts and she has inspired and gave me hope of beauty.

.:.nienie.:.

and it is a perfect night.

thank you for sitting next to me...

2009-03-29T20:49:00.000-07:00

i kind of have this social experiment that i have been bouncing around in. i keep trying to see how much technology i can live without. this is the year of no television in my apartment. in the beginning i thought "right on - there goes some mindless time that i can put to better use" but then i discovered that i wasn't learning about life without television, i was just learning the art of being patient when it came to television. i would just wait for whatever show i was interested in to make it's way to internet land and then sit in front of my computer instead of the t.v.

i had been sneaking my internet from my neighbors but they came over last month to tell me that they were moving to japan which meant no more internet from them. i then made the decision to say no to internet also. which has really led me to the land of no more mindless technology.

all that to say here i sit in starbucks getting internet tonight.

two homeless men came an hour ago. we have had on and off conversations since they came in. i like these men. i feel like they are kinder then anyone else in here. for some reason they pour out genuineness and i feel like they full of wisdom - the kind of wisdom that comes from living through hardness - the kind of wisdom i trust.

i want to say that these men were completely beautiful and blessed me deeply.

angels in disguise.

let the thoughts spring forth.

2009-03-21T09:48:00.000-07:00

happy 3rd day of spring. somewhere in there it almost seems worth all the harsh harsh months of cold to be able to see the city slowly blossoming back to life.

last weekend i almost died by acid avocado. it was a close call and it was ugly. the lesson that might have been learned is that gluttony of avocado = acid stomach by avocado. not a easy lesson learned and if i'm going to be honest not a complete lesson learned. in the midst of all the sick i was able to start little seeds that will blossom into goodness. if you happen to stop by please be on the look out for...

mint

basil

lavender

nothing in me wants to be inside. yesterday i spent five hours doing school work in a coffee shop as the sunshine filled the earth outside. i think that a little bit of my soul was crushed because of it.

don't worry though. brittany came into town later that night and ellen came out to party and we walked over to the art cafe to fill ourselves with crepes and wine and my soul was restored.

lately i think that i might start to seriously consider quiting life in chicago and going to live with lykke li in stockholm.

tell me that wouldn't be the life.

in the name of spring i will leave you with a spring quote of inspiration.

"when the first warm days of spring arrived, I only existed through the five school days each week in order to really live on Saturdays. I would be off early every Saturday morning to the river, the woods or the surrounding hills to see what nature was doing about bringing the earth back to life, and to revel in all the changes that had taken place since the week before."
...stalking the wild asparagus...
euell gibbons

gently fall back and simultaneously begin to move your arms and your legs up and down in a jumping jack motion.

2008-12-21T06:59:00.000-08:00

i would not call myself a super christmas choral type of girl.

yes, there are totally times when i am driving and put my volume as high as it will go and pump my fist with such gusto that one would think that the passion thats flows out of me is nothing of this earth - but that's just a girl enjoying a jam. i am totally aware that there is other music filling the earth at this holiday season and i find myself straying often from the musical festivities.

.but.

i wanted to share this tasty holiday treat with you. i am totally a song repeater. when i find one that speaks to my heart i have to hear it again and again. i have been known to repeat one song for weeks. this is a song that has been gently humming through my apartment for the last few days.

i have a winter theory that i think i began developing while i was scraping my car windows for 10 minutes and needed defrosting for the next 30.

i think that someone needs to stand up and say "there must be a national winter enjoyment day for those who have to deal with it's elements." i think that if the dealings we have with the winter is fighting it's elements then of course we are going to hate winter and grow bitter towards it. what if one day each year we had to make a snow angel in the fresh snow. what if it was mandatory to build a snow fort so you could have a place of protection when our wicked snowball fight started. and at the end of the day it was strongly recommended that you walk hand in hand with someone you love as the snow glistens in the street lights as it gently falls on you. hey - and while you are at it please finish it off with a hot cup of coco and a cuddle under a wool blanket.

i have this sneaky suspicion that the next day there would be a whole lot more cheer as people wait for a train to come their way or scrap off the snow that has settled on their cars.

i believe it is extremely important to do things that remind you why you love something. when we start doing something out of routine we seem to loose some passion and all of a sudden we start to forget why we work so hard for something or why it was so important in the first place.

remind yourself why you love the things you love.

a song that inspires a free dance and some polaroids to remind us of a good life.

2008-12-16T19:39:00.000-08:00

i found this just as the last warmth was leaving us and i can't help but dancing to it now that there seems to be no warmth in sight.

speaking of warmth -

i keep beginning a book and then having someone recommend another good to begin and so on until i am piled high with just begun books. i have a book lying in my bed - i have a book lying on my couch - i have a book on the sink in my bathroom - i have one on my kitchen table and i have one leaning on a candle on the table in the dining room. i feel like im in a middle of five affairs and that can't bare to end. tonights goal is to commit to one book and give it the focus and quality time it deserves until i turn to its last page and can figure out who to pass it on too.

i don't know why we choose to live here but it seems to be the questions of the day with all this snow.

my cat sits on my shoulder like a parrot. there are times when he will get real tired and lie down up there. he will stretch himself fully around the back of my neck and keep me warm in this winter wonderland. i have not had that heart to tell him that he comes from the feline race and the perching on ones shoulder may not be as endearing to all the house guest. call me an enabler if you must.

getting to know my apartment again.

2008-12-15T17:35:00.000-08:00

i have had this thought that has been developing for a while now but i don't know how to say it out loud yet. i know it's a truth that i hold dear. i know what it is when i experince it. i know what it feels like. i know when im around people who have the same ideal of this thought - who believe in this thought and strive for it. but i can't put it into words yet.

it has to do with truth. genuineness. peacefulness. growth. beauty. strength. community.

i long for a slower life but i don't allow myself to have one. tonight is a vary rare night of being home. i filled it with really good music. some reading time. organizing photos of late. major cuddling with emerson. and a little raw dinner with not so raw wine to follow (wink)

at one point i was in a middle of a dance from the kitchen to my bedroom and i had to just say out loud that "i am so happy to be home right now."

christmas break is coming so soon and i just can't wait. i want to say i have plans for something over the break but honestly i don't want to put anything on my plate and just see what life brings.

school this week is great. today we spent most of the day finishing the books the kids are writing and working on our dance for christmas assembly. dancing and writing - who can argue with that.

here are some things i love greatly that i have just found while i was organizing.

directions to one of my most favorite people.

time in my kitchen.

my nighttime view.

sweet

sweet

emerson

our little ones doing their part in the christmas program

my apartment has the old radiators. i love waking up to foggy windows in the morning because the steam is coming make all things alright.

oh me. im here. always have been.

2008-12-09T05:20:00.000-08:00

i wanted to walk home yesterday. i wanted a stroll. nothing fast - slow methodical walking - just me and my thoughts.

i have been here all along i have just not been willing to sit and type. journals and journals have been filled and picture after picture has been taking - i just kept them next to my heart instead of sharing.

im ready to share.

i think that i have been extremely still lately. chopin usually wakes up with me in the morning and keeps me quietly content all day long. we write to chopin in class now. the other day mike walked into my class and said he felt like he was in a scene from silence of the lambs. christopher said "no way it's like we are in a coffee shop." little did he know that one day very soon i might just leave them all to start that coffee shop i dream of.

i don't know what to say besides the fact that i think that i am just growing - learning - healing - hurting and then healing agian.

i have these huge moments of joy where i think "dang life is so good and i am so undeserving" to other moments when i think that i need lots of road under my feet and i need to get as far away from life as i know it as possible.

a happy medium is what i am looking for and until then i will try to be extra still to fight the domastic life that has seemed to take over.

oh. and someone gave me a cat...and i hate cats. but i love this cat. it is shocking how much he has become a part of my existence. i am not a cat women but i will talk to mine and cuddle with him like you wouldn't believe and miss him when i have not been home for a while and wonder what he does all day long without me being there to play with him. but i am not a cat women.

2008-11-30T06:27:00.001-08:00

a question that i have been asking lately is if there is a place that just feels like home. that you are so satisfied to be there that there are no thoughts of "where next" flowing through you. i don't know if i can honestly say that i have ever been somewhere were i thought that i was going to spend the rest of my life in. and i know that is sad...but i'm not sure if it's not right.

our world is so big. i feel like every time i step into a new place - embrace a new experience - meet a new person i grow as a person. i can't imagine ever being satisfied - i want to see it all - experience everything. don't get me wrong. i dream of finding home. i dream of being so at peace in a place that my blood stops its gypsy pumping and the change of the wind doesn't drive me to jump up and leave. i have a certain suspicion, though, that it might not be a place that does that for me but meeting the right person - so far he has alluded me.

i went to haiti again. this place brings a peace. i know that i feel more at home walking through the streets of filth then walking downtown. i feel more at home hugging a street kid that going out for a real fancy dinner.

if i could bring you to a place that makes my heart soar it might just be the metal art village we stopped in and visited.

these people are beautiful. i hated my white skin and straight hair and i know dream of carrying a haitian baby of my very own in my arms.

almost a year spend on this puzzle.

2007-09-13T22:38:00.000-07:00

tonight i write because i miss renee and ellen and i know that when home is relative, seeing the most impersonal post can bring comfort.

tonight i write because the band is playing strong and they remind me of good friends - late night backporch get togethers - and the coolest garage band i have ever known.

tonight i write because there is sweat dripping down my back and only thing i want to do is jump in the lake and float there as i watch the stars.

tonight i write because my legs itch to run...even next to a guy who thinks his shirt belongs tied around his head and who would rather die than stop going forward and i think my arms would be willing to do100 pushups and my heart would be filled with joy as hannah tries to sneak away or get by with just doing 1 when her time comes.

i think i went a little crazy for a little while - crazy would be a simple way of saying that i forgot who i was in this skin of mine. i knew who i was when i was walking next to the ocean. i knew who i was when i lived on an island with one stop light. i knew who i was when there was need all around me and every night was spent investing in others. i got back to the states and i didn't know who i was anymore - i didn't know where i belonged - i didn't know how i fit.

it blew.

the simplest of solutions:
stop
thinking
about
me.
i think that im starting to view this place as somewhere where most people aren't quite sure where they belong - how they fit - who cares for them.

so the crazy idea is...instead of struggling to find out my puzzle piece i think that im going to try to help others find theirs. and along that journey i think joy will be found - joy and most likely a lot of beauty - sprinkled with hope.

i don't know if i have ever said thank you yet. BUT it should be said to those of you that poured love out on me - who took time to understand me...or understand that there might not be any understanding - who took time to tell me stories from their day each night that would make me laugh until my stomach hurt - who made me run when i wanted to lay and listen to music - who made me lay and listen to music when i want to run - who let me come and breath at an organic farm - who insisted that harry potter should not put life on hold - who would go on picture walks with me - who would get excited about well taken pictures - who would let me hide in her place when college staff guys got to over baring - who swam lap after lap with me - who let me be confused - impulsive - contradictory - fearful - noncommittal - untrusting - fickle - hurtful - alone - but let me come back with open arms.

i feel like my life should be very different but what continues to fill it with blessings is these amazing people that continue to invest in me and decide for some reason that is far beyond my comprehension not to give up on me.

and i think everything is gonna be alright...

2007-05-21T22:36:00.000-07:00

do you believe the weather when your have been freezing all day long - wrapped up in blankets all night long and there are promises of 78 degree temperatures on monday?

to be perfectly and completely honest i am done here. i feel like summer has begun and i should not be found anywhere near chicago.

i went to the lake on saturday - it was very hard to be so near water but not actually in water. rachel and paul come to visit this weekend - we relived our memory of when they came to visit in the bahamas and we all went shark fishing. i wish i had a scar on my hand from the jaws of a shark.

it's getting easier to talk about the bahamas but now i feel like the memories i tell sound make believe.

i am slowly going to start to move out of this apartment. i have already moved out in my heart - now it's just getting all the stuff out of here.

i feel like it's a time of change...but the change isn't coming fast enough. i know it's coming - something is going to happen but i don't know how or in what form.

martha is home again - i love this - i feel like i get to see her. she can give me hair touch ups - i really just love layers and make monster cookies and tell mom when i am hurt even if i don't want to talk about it and tell me that i'm acting like i rebellious child named isabella when i really am.

one of my students said the other day "ms. jardine your hair keeps getting messier and messier." to which from across the room comes the yell of another " yeah, it's called bedhead...."

do you have a friend that just makes you think " i really have to live this life a little better." i was by one this weekend. so i'm going to start. and my living this life a little better might look a little differently then your going to live this life a little better but i think it's recognizable when it's seen in someones life.

i don't buy " i'm in a bad spot right now." then get out.

i have always wanted a gently spirit - i don't have one. but i think that i would like to surround myself with those kind of people. they seem to make this world a little more beautiful.

joshua radin's voice is like a warm breeze on a summer night. i dig him and his guitar. i have always been a sucker for a man with a guitar.

big big moon little little me.

2007-03-27T22:35:00.000-07:00

yesterdays sunset was simply amazing. it made me dream of watching it set over water as my feet dangled gently in it. lake geneva’s pier is one of my favorite spots to watch the sun set.

laura and i use to chase sunsets in the bahamas. if we noticed there was an exceptional sunset to behold we would jump on our bikes and peddle our little hearts out until we found the right pier to take it all in. i think really great day would start with watching the sun rise and close with it’s setting…a full circle sort of thing.

i have realized when i really care about a person a few hours is just not enough. i struggle with this because i know it’s not fair to want so much time but just spending time with me is more valuable than diamonds. now this might get tricky because i will push you away as hard as i can but fill my self full with hopes that you will stick around. the more i learn about myself the more i realize what a twisted soul i have. it might be ok in the end because i really am a sucker for the tortured tormented type.

i have found a new appreciation for marking my calendar. looking towards future dates gives a person hope, hope of things to come.

i have a confession. i might love to say the word moonpie in my deepest southern accent but i don’t especially like to eat them.

in march and the beginnings of april i lost my faith in people. for me it is the worst place to be. it was like a ton of bricks that hit me over and over again until i left like i might not make it.

i will make april a month of new beginnings. my faith will be restored. beauty will be seen.

we need each other. we are nothing without each other. faith in people is being restored because of people in my lives.

every time melissa cries because we have killed another mouse in our apartment some faith is restored.

every time rachel pops out of nowhere and makes one statement that opens up the secrets of my soul and just understands, faith is restored.

and melissa will sit on my bed and let me tell her secrets of my heart and she will cry because of my heart is broken a little bit and I have decided not to mend it, faith is restored.

sitting around a table having a mexican easter meal laughing until my stomach hurts restores my faith.

i can’t wait until it is warm so i can run outside again. i want to run until i feel like my lungs are going to explode and i am dripping with sweat.

forest gump is my hero. i like to imagine myself just start to run one day. i will keep on running – constantly moving forward – until on day i stop because im ready because i think it’s time.

i have begun to pray for three things in my life. a dear dear dear friend opened my eyes to these areas and I have clung to them and cried out for them for myself and those people who share my prayers. courage…clarity…confidence. they are the c’s i wish to see in my life.

have you seen the bus with the advertisements for 101.9, eric and cathy will pose as different bands… i have decided from now on i will only pose for pictures in my best green day pose.

i am not looking for someone to come and solve all the problems in my life. come and walk beside me, let me rest beside you every once in a while until i get enough strength to push forward again.

i don’t want a savior i want a companion.

brew me a fine cup of solidarity

2007-02-26T22:33:00.000-08:00

i love storms, strong storms that come in and slow everything to a snails pace. storms that make roommates who have not seen each other for weeks sit around their kitchen table and talk. storms that make driving treacherous, lip singing show hilarious and blankets, hot tea with greys anatomy the only thing on my mind.

i haven't been around in a long time and i don't know why. all of a sudden a snow storm comes to town and i realize that i like this place. i love the people in this place and, in the end, i would like to be around this place a little more often.

did i mention i went to california - my heart might have stayed in the mountains there. im sure that it will make frequent stops at the beach or coffee shops in santa cruz. it's not hard for me to pick up right where i left off with the people i love - it just seems natural and that’s how i know it's true. one day i would like an ounce of the hospitality that i was shown.

i have this reoccurring daydream. now im using the term daydream loosely - one day it will come as no surprise to me when it becomes a reality. sufjan stevens and i travel the country. he writes about it all and places his gentle notes to his gentle words and i take pictures of it all. we travel and observe and there's peace.

there might be one major regret of february 2007 and that would be missing the josh ritter concert - i know steve and rhonda...i know. don't worry there are plans developing as we speak to meet you guys in canada at a folk feast and greet josh once again. it's not all that shabby a february.

justin fenstermen is my favorite valentines phone call. im making sushi again tonight justin. no it's not real crab meat.

im so glad that jt is bringing sexy back.

there are 10,000 chicago public school children who are homeless. one of those kids is now in my class. an 11 year old should not have to deal with being kicked out of his home. i watched him mourn a broken home today. i watched the toughest kid in my class weep and i cried with him. sometimes i think that my heart is not strong enough for these kids because i break right along with them.

have you click on the hunger site today? http://www.thehungersite.com please and thank you.

wash with pomegranate.

2007-01-17T22:31:00.000-08:00

me doing this usually means me not doing my lessons plans. thursday nights make an internal battle in me that might never be won. greys anatomy makes me look forward to them all week long and knowing that all my lesson plans are due the next day makes me dread dread dread them.

i think that i had a crush on derek at volleyball this week. it must have snuck in with his dramatic eye roll and loud sigh and left with the unnecessary ball throwing. does his new spoken passion for africa have anything to do with it?

i am no longer that only jardine who has not had an accident. when i go out i go out strong - im talking about 4 car pile up strong. i think that asking me to remain sitting in my car might be the hardest request possible when there is opportunity for me administer first aid. my dream of being a nurse still lurks.

i wish all of you could see the beauty of my mom coming into my classroom to read and sing with the kids. something about the worst of the worst sing folk songs with a grey haired kind hearted women is completely magical.

i love camp. i love serving. i love serving at camp at 7:15 in the morning on my only real morning off. i love jill. i also love serving at camp with jill and deciding to walk into town in freezing rain and snow to warm ourselves with tea and cider and have sliding contest throughout most of our adventure. down jackets make the world go around.

as it would turn out jason mraz has just come back from india - another reason for soulmates? how embarrassing though that he forgot to take his favorite girl to the land she dreams of. reading his poetic words fills me with nothing but forgiveness.

in the end pomegranate hand soap really does smell amazing.

oh and life of pi had me crying on the train - read it...hmmm wait....let me finish it first then i will give me final thoughts. so far it's a thumbs up.

i will go here...

breathing in the new year.

2007-01-01T22:29:00.000-08:00

i was holding my breath for a little while and all of a sudden i wasn't me anymore.

breathe- i forget to sometimes. and my world starts to look small and things start to look complicated and i get a little sad.

hopping into a car and passing from state to state makes me feel like i'm breathing again.

sitting on a beach listening to waves crash and watching the dolphins say their hello is breathing.

applauding the sun as it says its goodnight and sets over the water with strangers who don't feel so strange as my new friend softly strums his guitar next to me is breathing.

singing on the very very top of my lungs and waving my fist in the air as we dodge our highway police men because we might be going way to fast is breathing.

hopes of sweet southern apple pie and BOOOOOY those little chicken biscuits in middle of the south with surprise trips to the airport and a sister who thinks that rules are allowed on road trips with regina speckor sneaking in a breaking rule....#4 is breathing.

it's a new year full of new hopes and dreams.

resolutions: these things are serious to me. once they are said out loud they become a little more real. i wont say them all out loud yet - i can't yet. i'm scared for a couple to become more real. BUT...

#1 - pick up the phone when i know it's ringing.
#2 - communication. i don't do it and i'm sorry. faithful old friends who wait patiently are blessings for girls who find running away to battle new adventures way easier than sticking around to battle old hurts. does it help that i'm aware of it?
#3 - research my homeland of india.
#4 - don't ever tell my gypsy blood not to pound inside of me.

and breathe. it's important.

and i still jason mraz.

and ellen moore. i love her and her delicately sweet voice.

three strikes doesn't necessarily mean im out

2006-12-19T22:28:00.000-08:00

i am a chameleon. i can always fit where i am. i can find happiness.

switching time and even though it took a little longer than i expected i have switched. beauty in the waves - beauty in sunsets - beauty in the white of the sand is now replaced in beauty of the city.

counting your blessings name them one by one. we went on a blessing hunt over thanksgiving with my class. hunt for those blessing, keep your eyes wide and treasure them when recognized. it's time for a beauty hunt and the city is my playground.

i take the train to work now. i love it. i anticipate it. i grow from it. tonight on the way home i had to remind myself to put my book down and take in everyone around me.

i love people watching. i believe that we grow through each other - my train ride is growing time. "why does that person seem so sad." "that person must be talking to the love of their life." "this must be the best day of that person life." "everything in that persons day must have gone wrong - the worst day of their life." train riding has brought me to the conclusion that there are more miserable people than happy in this world and there is nothing right about that.

my corner grocery man comes out every morning to feed the pigeons with his day old bread. i made rachel slow down the car the first time i saw it so i could take in the beauty. now i can't wait to walk by it each morning. one morning i think i might be very late for school so i can take part.

i love when people just sing. i don't consider it a sign of craziness. i consider it a sign of freedom. today i got to walk with a guy that sang to me for a good block and a half. i smiled the whole way. beauty.

christmas shopping is a must. last week i hated the thought of it. this week im looking forward to it. im ready to buy things. im ready to warm hearts through gifts. this years theme will be "a picture isworth a million words." if i had to choose an elf friend to go shopping with, one that would bring christmas cheer yet still desire christmas savings it would be jill renee weber. she is way on top of her game.

come walk with me in humboldt park. sit with me by the water. feed the pigeons with our day old bread. fill your lungs deep with the crisp air.

the city is my playground. chicago is home base. i think that im going to sit on home base for a little while.

i was sitting, waiting, wishing

2006-12-05T22:25:00.000-08:00

i think that i love to be alone. i think that i forgot that because there was a while there that someone was always around. i think it's good to be just you and your thoughts. turn the off the noise and just rest. it might just make us a little stronger.

i forgot who i was for a second and i didn't have alone walk on beach so the waves could whisper their reminders to me. people ask if i miss the bahamas. everyday. i honestly don't miss teaching... i miss the abandoned nature of it. the adventure of it. the slow pace peace of it. mornings drinking tea and reading on my back porch as the sun rises over the water. my mornings that the dolphins stop by to say their hello. i miss my treasure hunts for shells and sea glass. i miss laura and i solving the problems of the world, or at least the problems of this girls heart, with white sand between our toes.

i can commit - i committed to a whole bag of fig newtons just tonight. i think im going to wash it down with a hot cup of cinnamon ginger root tea. my ginger jar just came for me - with love from india. don't worry i will be there to give the love back one day.

im sitting right in front of my kitchen window which looks directly into my neighbors kitchen. at one point i caught myself no longer grading papers but grading my cute neighbor as he took his rug and hung it over his banister. that's right im staring right at you...and yes, im still eating my fig newtons.

del barber - who the heck is this guy and how come im not his supportive girlfriend. thanks ellen for leading me his way. check him out - im not saying he is anywhere near getting in the way of jason mraz for a virtual romance but i have spent all evening listening to his myspace page.

welcome to my apartment...

my bed is big enough for at least three four or five if we want to make a snuggle puddle - super sleepovers are on my top favorite things to do on a friday/saturday/sunday/monday/tuesday/wednesday/thursday night.

19 days till christmas. i count down for the kids which would be the only reason i truly know. what do i want this christmas. how about a romantic walk in the snow that ends with a hot cup of tea.

it's hard to be soulmates with an international superstar.

2006-11-26T22:23:00.000-08:00

it does not feel like i have just had four glorious days off, let me state that just off the bat.

thanksgiving comes thanksgiving goes. thanksgiving is my favorite holiday.

isabella wins for best thanksgiving spirit and around the table ideas. i tried my dang hardest to be the winner of thanksgiving cheer but that little girl has a competitive spirit that i haven't seen since i peed my pants so i wouldn't have to move to win a hide and seek game at the age of 6. hats off to her.

friends - love them - need them.

i never thought that leaving a "thanks for letting me crash on your floor in a coma like state but now im going to slip out the door in the wee hours of morning so i can make it to church on time" note could be considered a booty call note. p.s thanks for watching out for my out of the trash picnic table - i will be there soon to pick it up.

moving time next weekend. helpers please contact me asap. mandatory no shirt rule for all boys. just kidding that's gross...cough.

jill weber - keep up the good fight. the fight for good music. the fight for free music. the fight that will bring you through the cold lonely nights and bring rest to your soul. don't let a small memory space get you down.

jason mraz had a winner of a blog the other day. check it stat. www.jasonmraz.com.

on a serious note. checking out churches is the past time of my sundays. one thing i have recognized is that we truly are a family of god. i walk into different churches each week and though there are different levels of comfort and styles that appeal to me one thing remains true and that is we have a common bond and it's recognizable.

i would like these to be my next students. im have started to seriously research this.

joe your wicked because you gave me a challenge that i can't forget. i feel like i can't let you down - i must quite my job.

jazzit cafe has the best ginger cinnamon tea i have ever had.
one day i am going to adopt husband or no husband.
i think that my shirt is to tight today.

stay tuned.

new baby - old friends - country living - antique finds - with a sprinkle of emmaus time.

2006-11-13T22:15:00.000-08:00

there are a lot of times in my life when i am overwhelmed with blessings. i felt that this weekend.

welcome to the world jorja grace. i can't even begin to imagine how much fun and love this baby girl is going to get.

emily and mark are my favorite go to visit pair. shopping for antiques and then completely taking them apart and refurbishing them was the theme of this weekend - with chili and coffee in the middle.

i love small town living. i love driving down winding roads listing to good music on our way to see a favorite tree. i love the fact that my friends have favorite trees and know that sharing those trees with me will bring me joy.

i don't feel good tonight. i don't want to go to school tomorrow. i think that we should all quit our jobs and search the world for favorite trees with coffee in hand, good friends and good music. just my opinion.

thank you for understanding derek - shopping - he gets it.

2006-11-08T22:11:00.000-08:00

i have heard that you are not suppose to go shopping when you are hungry because you will end up buying everything that you never really needed or wanted.

i have decided that this is a basic rule when dealing with the opposite sex.
don't go shopping when you are hungry because at some point you are going to come home and say "how the heck did i end up with this."
make sure that you are full folks so you don't come home with crap.

got the new damien rice cd 9 - thanks colby - i just want to stay home from school and listen to it over and over. putting a person into a trance and giving them the desire to neglect their job might let you consider the cd a success.

a love tuesday night volleyball - period -

ellen moore will be entertaining oprah this evening with her piano playing.

leaves are almost gone - it blows my mind that i missed this for two years. fallen leaves have a mighty smell.

picture taking is back on. i don't know what i was not doing it for a while. derek are you going to find me a real man's camera soon?

If we don't change direction soon, we'll end up where we're going.

2006-11-06T10:15:00.000-08:00

i will now have moved four times in three years.

my pen is still warm from signing my 6 month lease.

falling leaves. low ropes courses. lack of flexibility. two asleep on a loveseat. peace to my soul.

2006-11-05T22:08:00.000-08:00

"to be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting."
e. e. cummings.

...i hope one day you'll join us and the world will live as one

2006-10-12T10:14:00.000-07:00

and though most of the world has probably figured this all out already it has just begun to hit me.

i was sitting in the middle of jiffy lube yesterday watching men in suits and ties looking miserable in their much too tight leather shoes. what drives the noose of a tie around their necks was what i couldn't get off my mind. why are people sitting all day long in offices where the world can not be seen and all i could come to is their main goal is money. i want to grab them and tell them that the world is so much bigger than that. that there are lives to change and people to be reach. there is a world to explore and beauty to be taken in. instead we are all sitting in jiffy lube waiting for our $19.99 oil change.

having desks thrown at my on a repeated bases and being told "the hell withchu" has also brought me to perhaps a life changing conclusion...

i have begun to realize that most people in my life circle react out of past hurts. fear drives a person to decided the way that they are going to be mistreated before it even happens. the new questions that i have been driven to ask is "why is this reaction happening and how can i show that there is a better way." my 11 year old student already believes that in life you have to fight or you will die. i told him that by the end of the year im going to make him a lover not a fighter. just a simple goal really. i imagine changing lives by loving but is it a reality when the rest of their lives are drunken moms, missing dads and "survival" being the only thing on their minds. maurices number one responsibility is to protect himself and his family according to the paper he wrote yesterday.

my friend kyle once gave me a book called traveling mercies. in it there was a section that i think about all the time. it said that...

brokenness is life's nature: that lives and hearts get broken - those of people we love, those of people that we will never meet. it said that this world sometimes feels like a waiting room of the emergency ward and that we who are more or less ok for now need to take the tenderness possible care of the more wounded people in the waiting room, until the healer comes.

the world is a funny place when the people we need so desperately are also the ones that cause so much pain. it makes you think about the only one who provides that love that does not defer.

i am addicting to myspace for truly one reason and one reason only - the music you can find is AMAZING. i could spend all day jumping from band page to band page listening.

i really enjoy watching foreign films with ellen erin and nat. i really don't enjoy having to leave the movie before it ends. will those boys ever become a successful chorus?

the love train.

2006-10-09T10:13:00.000-07:00

trains are my new favorite mode of transportation - how long to do you think a person could survive just riding the rails? i would like to discover this.

columbus's raping and pillaging of the land = no school for this girl. bike rides and thrift store shopping with a little thai food in the middle seem to make up the day. hurry to the village discount they love columbus and make all color price tags half off.

wisconsin autumns warm my heart - let's see how iowa's compares next weekend.

i want land one day - land where i can wake up make myself a cup of coffee and look out over it as the sun rises.

my friend jason would say

"Sunrise and Sunset are the best hours of light for your body and mind because it is light you can actually ingest by looking at it, into it and it into you, absorbing its remarkable resources thru your pupils. Other times of day the light will just burn your eyeballs out..."

i would say i have a big crush.

wisconsin in the morning awakes my soul.

have i mentioned that i think that erin english really is great and even more i really enjoy the erin/ellen team. they may just change the world one day with a bucket full of love and understanding.

steven bill im sorry that my post have been obnoxiously obscure and ridiculous i think that has just been my life lately - guess it ALL comes out in xangaland. do you know that i miss you guys in an obnoxiously obscure and ridiculous way?

2006-10-04T10:12:00.000-07:00

you may say that im a dreamer but im not the only one

2006-10-03T10:12:00.000-07:00

farmers market blues

2006-10-01T10:09:00.000-07:00

happiness would be the oak park farmers market. i would not want to spend my saturday morning any other way...not even sitting on a beach under the hot sun.

as my bags increase and my arms grow tired from carrying my freshness i can still find the energy to flirt with the good old boys of the world and say thank you for spending your days in the field working harder than most people i know.

largest apples in the world were bought today- that is maybe not a complete fact but they do make a complete meal.

today i was driving with colby and i was telling him how i just would like to get out of here. his comment was "im pretty happy here." it stopped my wandering heart in it's tracks. i think because i want to see it all that i forget that this is a pretty good place too. settling time perhaps.

2006-09-26T10:08:00.000-07:00

2006-09-24T10:07:00.000-07:00

...the drops of rain make a hole in the stone, not by violence, but by oft falling

bono's wisdom

2006-09-22T10:06:00.000-07:00

I avoided religious people most of my life. Maybe it had something to do with having a father who was Protestant and a mother who was Catholic in a country where the line between the two was, quite literally, a battle line. Where the line between church and state was… well, a little blurry, and hard to see.

I remember how my mother would bring us to chapel on Sundays… and my father used to wait outside. One of the things that I picked up from my father and my mother was the sense that religion often gets in the way of God.

For me, at least, it got in the way. Seeing what religious people, in the name of God, did to my native land… and in this country, seeing God's second-hand car salesmen on the cable TV channels, offering indulgences for cash… in fact, all over the world, seeing the self-righteousness roll down like a mighty stream from certain corners of the religious establishment…

I must confess, I changed the channel. I wanted my MTV.

Even though I was a believer.

Perhaps because I was a believer.

I was cynical… not about God, but about God's politics.

Look, whatever thoughts you have about God, who He is or if He exists, most will agree that if there is a God, He has a special place for the poor. In fact, the poor are where God lives.

Check Judaism. Check Islam. Check pretty much anyone.

I mean, God may well be with us in our mansions on the hill… I hope so. He may well be with us as in all manner of controversial stuff… maybe, maybe not… But the one thing we can all agree, all faiths and ideologies, is that God is with the vulnerable and poor.

God is in the slums, in the cardboard boxes where the poor play house… God is in the silence of a mother who has infected her child with a virus that will end both their lives… God is in the cries heard under the rubble of war… God is in the debris of wasted opportunity and lives, and God is with us if we are with them. "If you remove the yolk from your midst, the pointing of the finger and speaking wickedness, and if you give yourself to the hungry and satisfy the desire of the afflicted, then your light will rise in darkness and your gloom with become like midday and the Lord will continually guide you and satisfy your desire in scorched places"

It's not a coincidence that in the Scriptures, poverty is mentioned more than 2,100 times. It's not an accident. That's a lot of air time, 2,100 mentions. [You know, the only time Christ is judgmental is on the subject of the poor.] 'As you have done it unto the least of these my brethren, you have done it unto me.' (Matthew 25:40). As I say, good news to the poor.....

...A number of years ago, I met a wise man who changed my life. In countless ways, large and small, I was always seeking the Lord's blessing. I was saying, you know, I have a new song, look after it… I have a family, please look after them… I have this crazy idea…

And this wise man said: stop.

He said, stop asking God to bless what you're doing.

Get involved in what God is doing—because it's already blessed.

Well, God, as I said, is with the poor. That, I believe, is what God is doing.

And that is what He's calling us to do...

2006-09-20T10:06:00.000-07:00

"...following the light of the sun we left the old world."

-christopher columbus

2006-09-17T10:04:00.000-07:00

i smelled fall today.

my goal for this week is to take in a complete sunrise and sunset - preferably over water.

2006-09-15T10:05:00.000-07:00

this little one...

... is the newest jardine

trading sweatshirts and skin that itches.

2006-09-10T10:03:00.000-07:00

camp reminds of me of a life i love more than a lot of things.

"hey do you want to switch sweatshirts"

"do you want to switch sweatshirs?"

"yes"

"ok"

i believe that you learn a lot from people. the scarey part comes when you start to rely on them. somestimes bad judgement calls are made but i think on a whole life is blessed by good friends.

rachael yamagata is my continual rainy day friend. amy i think of you every time she plays. why the heck haven't we played?

yes my secret crush on jason mraz hightens - i think i love him for his mind

I returned to my digs a raw and organic foods fanatic who can touch his toes for the first time as well as do things with my mind and body that I'd never dreamed"Tan" is a sanskrit word meaning "Stretch" or "hold." All summer i'd been signing emails with the line, "The meaning of life is the perfect tan" long before i knew it's ancient interpretation. Words like Tantra and Attention come from this root. My meaning of life now has more depth thanks to this discovery. Beauty as expected,continues to be only skin deep.

I came home to a beautiful house with my favorite bed only to sleep in a tent night after night to keep the awe hanging over me. In the islands the sky is so wide when you look up you realize you're really looking out, into space, reminding you that life isn't linear, instead you're actually stuck to the side of a massive rock floating out in the middle of nowhere. It's humbling to look at it that way and it brought me to the massive conclusion, there is nothing to know other than joy & happiness.

im hooked on my classroom - i have thought about my kids all weekend. i wish everyone could meet them because they have such a special way of making the world seem so simple and beautiful - well expect for the one who tried to punch me on friday...

im not going to go away for a while because i don't think i will ever settle in here if im always leaving. once rachel told me that im always saying goodbye because i was constantly leaving somewhere. is this now my time to just stick somewhere? one weekend i promise i will stay around to see a weekend in chicago...just not this one coming.

i want an adventure - i haven't had one in so long. - my skin itches for it and im not feeling completely whole without it. it's a different life when you can get away to sleep at a top of a lighthouse like was possible when the itch came before.

as the tan fades.

2006-08-30T10:02:00.000-07:00

should i be embarrassed that i check myspace multiply times a day and can be accused of leaving ridiculously long comments...

volleyball with old friends is like waking up from a long coma. dancing with ellen as the ball sails past my face and kimmy turning in disgust sends me to bed smiling.

i have work friends...i love new friends.

rain makes me want to cuddle - im glad the weather is clearing.

i can't remember the last time i was in water. tonight i think im going to fill the tub till the water is near overflowing and float.

letter writing is the goal of this new month - if it can make me so elated to get a letter it must have the same effect on others and im down with adding a little elation to others.

matt costa has been a constant - seems like the perfect listening solution to just relaxing.

i wanted to put some pictures on here but then i realized that i haven't taken pictures in a long long time...there is something universally wrong with that.

raindrops keep falling on my head

2006-08-28T10:01:00.000-07:00

my big responsibility for the day was to be creative and make my classroom feel like home. a day with crayons, glue, construction paper, markers, and imagination.

it was so rainy and cold that i put on a fleece to walk to school - fall is coming and my heart is growing.

i think that im beginning to play the piano again - it's like coming back to an old friend.

milking my third cup of coffee and appreciating rachael yamagata and other mixed cd's from amy.

light the candles - turn up the music - it is letter writing time.

today is ok by me.

...a leaf fluttered in through the window this morning, as if supported by the rays of the sun, a bird settled on the fire escape, joy in the task of coffee, joy accompanied me as i walked

anais nin.

2006-08-27T10:00:00.000-07:00

...i’ve had enough to break me in two
to tear me apart
what am I to do?
what else can I do?

so sing me a song
let me hum along
at the top of my lungs
i come undone
what else can I do?
what can I do...

- crowder

a confession of an obsession

2006-08-24T09:59:00.000-07:00

i went out with paul and kimmy for dinner yesterday and paul decided that what im going through is culture shock right now - it was so good to hear because i thought that i might just be going crazy. i think it's ok because i don't know if i ever want to get use totally to the u.s again.

confession time - so i have this colossal crush on jason mraz. it all started when i saw him in new york but then this summer jill had his live video and i might have watched it a couple....100 times. it might have all passed expect it just happens that there is video of jason on youtube.

so there it is - jason...

the first step of recovery is admitting that you have a problem.........but don't be suprised if one day we wed....and i think that we would be very happy together.

drinks made to order.

2006-08-21T09:58:00.000-07:00

family vaca - always a blast. i think that my soul feels most at peace when it is near crashing waves. i honestly almost started to cry when i first heard the ocean.

a week full of sunrises and sunsets - eating the most amazing food and ice cream ice cream ice cream - getting to know my family not just as cousins and aunts and uncles but friends - seeing people hit rock bottom but also seeing people who have been through it come along and offer a hand - watching lost...or trying not to fall asleep to lost - running away from sea lice - running to the ice cream man - running on the beach untill i have blisters on my feet - waking up for sunrise and knowing that the coffee is already brewing - reading reading reading - 32 people in 1 sweet beach house -

i still don't know what God is planning for this life of mine but i will keep living looking for those hints of direction.

steven bill - i was just thinking of you guys today and then i saw your comment. i don't want you to go back to marsh harbour without us either. i honestly hate thinking about.

sweet home chicago really is .... sweet

2006-07-06T09:55:00.000-07:00

I have
*seen my future classroom
*talked with my future special ed mentor
*paid off my entire student loan
*gotten a cell phone (which i need numbers for so please send me your # cause i have lost all)
*unpacked all my bags
*gone on 3 bike rides around my neighborhood
*gone running in portage park
*eaten indian food
*watched a marlene monroe movie with dad
*jumped on the tampolene with miles and isabella
*cried a whole lot because i miss the bahamas and my friend laura

but i still love this city.

im leaving on a jet plane...really leaving.

2006-07-03T09:55:00.000-07:00

now i was sitting waiting wishing...

west palm beach here we are. i know that really it's not all that far from the bahamas but it is a world away from it.

first stop...
starbucks.

most embarrassing moment...
having security take me down because i had a knife in my carry on. even more embarrassing would be when i tried to explain i had it because it was my favorite dinner knife.

saddest luggage moment...
when sonia got in a fight with our pilot out of marsh harbour because he said our luggage was to much. "come on now - they had to pack their lives into 2 suitcases" - would be the comment that made laura, jessica, and i all break into tears.

people i will miss the most...

and our mama

im no good at saying goodbye - is that something that you ever become ok with?

shake a friends hand shake a hand next to you shake a friends hand and sing la la

2006-07-01T09:54:00.000-07:00

two days to go untill the bahamas is just a thought of the past. laura and i were talking about all the people who came to visit us SO we thought that we would send out a little thank you to those. you guys - it honestly meant so much that you could come and see this part of our lives.

2006-06-07T09:53:00.000-07:00

im in a period of endings and new beginnings.

my read aloud to my class has been sarah plain and tall. in the story sarah has left maine to come out to midwest and she misses home. she tells the kids that her brother always use to say that...

"there are always things to be missed no matter where you are."

i had to stop reading because there were too many tears in my eyes. i miss this place and i haven't even left yet.

i have problems with trust. no no it's true. but no matter how hard i try to get out of moving back home i am silenced with how i have been provided reassurance that this is what im suppose to do. everything i have asked for has been answered. there is not much room for doubt in the face of that.

2006-05-03T09:52:00.000-07:00

so this is what i think. i am overwhelmed at how blessed i am. by my surroundings i am in - by the people that in my life - by the challenges i have. i don't deserve any of it and i am humbled by it.

9 weeks left in the bahamas. i don't talk about it out loud yet. my friend ellen once said that saying something out loud makes it a little more real. i don't want 9 weeks left to be real yet.

there is going to be a little less joy in the bahamas come thursday.

2006-04-15T09:50:00.000-07:00

i love to see this through the eyes of visitors...

2006-04-14T09:51:00.000-07:00

what is the city but the people?

~william shakespeare

2006-03-27T09:49:00.000-08:00

oh boy - im ok....

lydia and melissa are coming down in two days. this is good.

i like reading xangas where people actually say something.

i loved joanna's latest - being alone in the house makes her honest.

i always look forward to ellens because she just seems to say the right things to make you want to go out a love a little more.

amy uses her words so powerfully that i usually save them.

someone told me to check out nick wells and i think that one day he will make a girl very happy - even if she doesn't appreciate apple pies - he knows how to make love look magical

to be perfectly honest - just seeing jill's pink page makes me smile.

and derek is a xanga genius.

if people are brave enough to post honest thoughts then they are ok in my book.

2006-03-22T09:49:00.000-08:00

im tired.

i don't think i ever knew what it meant to be burnt out until i came down here.

i am surrounded by people who have hurts and needs that i want to help and alleve but im getting to a point where i feel like i have nothing left to give of myself.

i feel pulled in so many directions that i don't know what i love anymore. when things become obligations instead of passions i think it might just be time to take a step away.

i need home. i need the people who understand my soul, whose support humbles me. i need my family - who reminds me exactly who i am.

and just when i feel like all the air has been sucked out of me there are the little reminders that i don't have to do it alone and i don't have to rely on my own strength and that the world is just a little bigger than the issues in my life.

"come to me, all who are weary and burdened and i will give you rest. take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for i am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. for my yoke is easy and my burden is light."

pieces of home are soon on their way down and this is good. until than there are daily joys...

it's wierdo hairdo day in the bahamas

2006-03-16T09:48:00.000-08:00

Currently Listening
Sing-A-Longs & Lullabies for the Film Curious George (Jack Johnson)
By Original Soundtrack, Jack Johnson
see related

happy birthday rhonda bill - one of the best neighbors i have ever had.

don't let the sweet face fool you - this girl is C-Razy...

we just had our school fair, which is one of the biggest things that the schools puts on. laura and i were strictly business...

and all the teachers pulled together to work hard...

these girls came to my booth 27 times - i would too if i could win sunglasses like that.

i got to take a break from my booth for pie in the eye - i know, it sounds enticing but when it turns out to be shaving cream and not whipping cream the glamour of it is all over.

just when i didn't think i could take anymore of the dunking booth i was giving a pep talk and realized that...

it was all worth it because in the end it was for the kids...

the curious george soundtrack has changed my teaching career. i put it on when ever i get a chance and there is something beautiful about the kids singing along to jack.

lydia and melissa - just can't wait for you guys to come.

hannah banna - what the heck! of course i want to go with you this summer. what are the details?

2006-03-12T09:47:00.000-08:00

contrary to popular belief i have no fear of settling down. i honestly look forward to it all.
BUT

i also believe that there is a lot of life to be lived and i would like to do that. is there fear in any part of that...i didn't think. is there gypsy blood in that...maybe.

2006-03-06T09:47:00.000-08:00

alright - with 24 season three under our belt we have a little more time to do things. as it would turn out 4 episodes a night takes up an amazing chunk of a persons life.

we had our last youth group in hope town. a couple is here now to be full time, which is just what the kids need but it's hard to let go of that.

life has just been a ton of school right now. i woke up the other morning and just got the feeling that i need to get on a plane and go somewhere soon. i have been in one place to long. gypsy blood is starting to pump.

we had our 100th day of school last week. you bet your bottom we had a party. we celebrated the number 100 all day long.

we had our school walk -a-thon.

no it was not a 10 mile walk as it would appear. these girls rocked ONE long mile.

our basketball team was on the road to recovery with one win under it's belt and in our last game we finally came together and got one more win. how did we celebrate...only the best way possible - dance dance and hamburgers.

we finally learned to crawfish - it's honestly a little scary because you have to spear each one and they can whip even after they are on the spear.

i can get you one of these oversized fishermen shirts if you would like. renee - what does this look remind of you - i just slept over at...

laura's secret to becoming an amazing crawfisher is that she becomes one with the animals

i recently found out the grouper fish all start out female and after they have one batch they turn male. i know - hard to believe. but i heard from a real fishermen...unless he was trying to make me look foolish - in that case it was a success.

2006-02-25T09:46:00.000-08:00

Jack Bauer's favorite color is severe terror alert red. His second favorite color is violet, but just because it sounds like violent.

Jack Bauer got Hellen Keller to talk.

Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer.

Jack Bauer doesn't miss. If he didn't hit you it's because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.

Jack Bauer does not sleep. The only rest he needs is what he gets when he's knocked out or temporarily killed.

If you spell Jack Bauer while playing Scrabble you win. Forever.

What color is Jack Bauer’s blood? Trick question. Jack Bauer does not bleed.

Your attraction to jack bauer in no way effects your sexual orientation.

2006-02-15T09:45:00.000-08:00

mom and dad have come and gone. i loved seeing them experience this place - i loved seeing them on vacation.

mom digged the kalik (her and emily can hang out) and dad's poison was the bahama mama.

my kids absolutely loved mom - she was in her element

the girls absolutely loved dad

we went to hope town as soon as we could get out of school

and got to catch a saturday sunrise

dad was our captain for the weekend - he drove us over to the lighthouse

where mom and him flirted a bit

mom jumped right into the bahamain life style and went hulling with the boys

dad stuck with the star fish

we caught a blowfish in the net - it was the first time i have ever seen one out here. oh and yes that is a normal thing for laura to wear on her head.

have i ever mentioned my attraction to weatherworn old sailor men - here is a bit of my appreciation...hmmmm

we took them conching

and mom and dad eat the pissle of the conch. when i first got here i asked what it was and was told "exactly what is sounds like."

they had sunset on the boat

spent a little more time with some of my kids - that is landon. he comes to class wearing cologne that would make any girl weak in the knees.

by the end they were amazing at "couple shots by a beach"

and they left the bahamas with hope of buying a boat so that they could come when ever they wanted.

laura and i now specialize in romantic getaways....

2006-02-14T09:45:00.000-08:00

2006-02-01T09:44:00.000-08:00

i have to tell the board if i am coming back or not by friday. i thought that i knew the answer but it has been impossible for me to say it outloud since i came back.

we were in hope town last weekend and the whole time i tried to imagine my life without the amazing beauty that is around me right now and i couldn't. i have come to realize that i am so easily distracted. i will intentionally fill my life with so much so that i wont have to sit alone and deal with different issues and thoughts going through my life.

i have been changed by sitting in the presences of god's beauty. i feel like with each new sunrise i see i understand a new element of him. his majesty is whispered in the sounds of the waves and his wonder can be seen in the different colors of blue in the sea.

i consider this home. that was my first thought when i walked in my apartment after christmas..."im home." i don't know if im ready to take that away from myself yet

2006-01-22T09:43:00.000-08:00

but there's one other thing I remember,and remembering, I keep a grip on hope:

god's loyal love couldn't have run out, his merciful love couldn't have dried up.

they're created new every morning. how great your faithfulness!

2006-01-19T09:42:00.000-08:00

i have gotten into the habit of eating while im reading before bed. i completely blame it on sarah and her influence while i was home...ok and i completely blame it on my lack of self control when there are chocolate covered raisons in my place.

the other night i added dried apple slices to my normal chocolate covered raison mix. i thought i was just fine untill i woke up at 3 in the morning with my stomach on fire. i could not go to bed for anything and by the time i had made tea to settle it i was wide awake. by the time i went to bed at 4:30. i decided that it was a good thing.

i have come to realize that i do not let myself alone with my thoughts very often. i fill my life with busyness and obligations, with noise. that night i could not escape silence....my thoughts. processing, in the end, turns out to be a really good thing no matter how much it hurts along the way.

i miss them.

we have had a cold spell since i got back.

walking down the beach in a sweat shirt really is just as nice as in a bathing suit.

24 season three - why do you take over my thoughts!?!?!

reading donald millers - through painted deserts has inspired the idea of a road trip. this is what im thinking ellen and i would love you to be involved. my jeep - california - camping -i will let you fill in the necessary information.

rachel = london. holy smokes.

my and dad are coming down to visit. this means more than i will ever be able to say. i don't think that people can truly realize who i am now untill they see and experience where i have lived for the past two years.

5 teachers doing pilates in one small living room results in bruisings and sore stomachs (from laughing NOT exercise).

2006-01-11T09:42:00.000-08:00

the skin horse had lived longer in the nursery than any of the others. the was so old that his brown coat was bald in patches and showed the seams underneath, and most of the hairs in his tail and been pulled out to string bead necklaces. he was so wise, for he had been a long succession of mechanical toys arrive to boast and swagger, and by-and-by break their mainsprings and pass away and he knew that they were only toys and would never turn into anything wise. for nursery magic is very strange and wonderful, and only those playthings that are old an wise and experienced like the skin horse understand all about it.

"what is Real" asked the rabbit on day when they were lying side by side near the nursery fender, before nana came in to clean the room. "does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick-out handle?"

"Real isn't how you are made,"said the skin horse. "it's a thing that happens to you. when a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real."

"does it hurt?" asked the rabbit.

"sometimes," said the skin horse, for he was always truthful. "when you are Real you don't mind being hurt."

"does it happen all at once like being wound up," he asked, "or bit by bit?"

"it doesn't happen all at once," said the skin horse. "you become. it takes a long time. that's why it doesn't often happen to poeple who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out, and you get loose in the joints and very shbby. but these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand.

-the velveteen rabbit

2006-01-06T09:42:00.000-08:00

there is not one thing i like about leaving. i use to think that i was good at it...well i never was good at saying goodbye but at leaving and detatching myself from a place was something i could do very easily. it's not like that anymore. this was the hardest time for me to say goodbye. i don't know why yet - i haven't thought about it enough. but i know that this one was hard and i know that i don't really want to say goodbye all the time anymore.

sitting waiting for a plane.

slept two hours last night and had an elderly man sleep on my shoulder on one of the planes.

my deodorant has failed me again - curse organic deodorant.

it is hot hot hot and i am wearing socks and shoes.

there is free ice cream in this terminal.

hours of speed scrabble with my family and hannah stevenson is something that i will truly miss.

the talk of my hopetown girls coming soon is giving me so much joy even if we are going to be packed like sardines in the apartment.

2005-12-27T09:41:00.000-08:00

"sometimes i thank god for unanswered prayers

remember when you're talking to the man upstairs

that just because he doesn't answer doesn't mean he don't care

some of god's greatest gifts are unswered prayers."

it would seem like country music does have it all figured out after all.

2005-12-25T09:40:00.000-08:00

i like the fact that even though my grandma has no idea who it is when she answers the phone she says "merry christmas" as soon as she picks up. and even though she lost my grandpa a little over a year ago she is not to sad sitting alone in her house right now and she really wants to make sure that we are all doing alright and that we are happy. i learn from her - from her strength and love.

i like the fact that while im sitting here typing i can hear sarah humming miles to sleep down the hall.

i like the fact that a christmas with not so many presents really does turn out to be the best christmas of all..

merry christmas guys!

...we are blessed.

2005-12-22T09:40:00.000-08:00

use your voice.  it seems simple but in reality it's

complex.  we use our voices to teach the young and to whisper our

darkest fears and sweetest dreams.  our voices give form, shape

and vision to our memories, cultures and ideas.  there is no

division, no better or worse, no right or wrong in our voices.

they are our most valuable and powerful assests.

2005-12-21T09:39:00.000-08:00

my cell phone broke and the one i was using to replace it isn't work out. i feel like have not talked to so many of you and i am so sorry. i can't be reached by cell phone anymore and my house line is the only way to reach me. im sorry for all the phone calls that i have not returned and how frustating it is - trust me it's on this end too.

renee - i have been listening to david gray's new one all morning and thinking of you -oh boy is he good.

jill - i have been calling lgyc but you are a busy girly girl.

amy - two text messages that all we have had and i think of you every time i walk into starbucks.

paul - im a jerk and we never got together - how about you just come by for fun no car trips.

ellen - we got the teen camp cd - i would like to see my rock star friend....possible?

mellissa - quit sleeping and get over here.

k -love...carrera christmas 2005 was a success.

every night i get an itching for felicity...hmm.

chadwick im glad that we got to watch one bears game together even if i did get major stomach grossness from toots.

AND where the heck is justin. hannah am i ever going to see you? i missed you all so much even those i didn't mention and hopefully will be able to see you.

2005-12-16T09:39:00.000-08:00

home for christmas.

i got home last night and walked in the door and smelled fire in the fire place and pumpkin bread and knew that i was home. funny how there is a smell that will bring you to tears and let you know that your safe.

first snow day of fun...

2005-12-15T09:38:00.000-08:00

my last morning here. the new teacheres are going to have a banana pancake breakfast and then there is going to be 4 trips back and forth to the airport...

and then at 10:31 p.m- HOME!!

2005-12-10T09:38:00.000-08:00

they say it's your birthday...

joanna marie jardine. most consider this girl the most attractive jardine and i don't think that they are wrong. my gift this summer was that i was able to get the spend time you joanna and for the first time really get to know you. this summer you became my friend - not just a sister. and you are a pretty good friend to have. i love you and i can't wait to get to spend more time with you in just...5 days.

happy birthday girl.

2005-12-08T09:37:00.000-08:00

can't you see that it's just raining - ain't no need to go outside.

it has been raining for 12 hours straight now...i keep thinking that if i were at home this would be snow falling.

2005-12-04T09:36:00.000-08:00

colby mecher - though he was far from home this summer he was still close to my heart (does that make up for it colby?)

and i do believe this is one of my all time favorite memories from camp...

shane cash is back on the island hopetown girls - riding in the box car races and everything - we snuck a picture just for you ladies who would appreciate it...

and to close up this little web entry - home is near. brooke said that is was 20 degrees yesterday...whoa.

2005-11-23T09:35:00.000-08:00

justin sent me some songs off the TC cd that is coming out. oh man they are good. it got me thinking of this summer. realizing how special it really was. thanks for making it so

2005-11-17T09:35:00.000-08:00

i once read a book that said that brokenness is life's nature: that lives and hearts get broken - those of people we love, those of people that we will never meet. it said that this world sometimes feels like a waiting room of the emergency ward and that we who are more or less ok for now need to take the tenderness possible care of the more wounded people in the waiting room, until the healer comes.

i keep coming back to this thought. maybe it's the fact that this weekend i was surrounded by people that were in complete love but at the same time others who were in complete pain. that both these extremes were in the same room at the same time dealing with completely different things. maybe it's the fact that my days are spent with 20 seven year olds that constantly need shoes tied, nose's wiped, problems solved, strictness but hugs all in one moment. or that i get to spend most morning drinking tea and watching the beauty of the sunrise but then walk out of my house and see the complete ugliness in of the world as i am riding to school. but it has become more and more obvious how much this world needs love. and how it is our job to pass that love on. in love there is power. love someone for who they are - love with understanding and watch the change that comes. the change fussing at them or ignoring them would never bring.

i have been changed because of love and i think that it's our job to pass on the power of love to others - give others a glimpse of christ.

2005-11-14T09:34:00.000-08:00

just when i thought that i was not going to make it i got to see the fall. and even better than city fall i got to be in the middle of the canadian country on farmland seeing the fall. i realized that i feel most comfortable and myself in a sweatshirt, vest and pair of gloves - this does not fit with my lifestyle at this point but it gave me a little hope of what is to come.

i went for beth's wedding and it was a weekend filled with cool air - lots of warm coffee - my favorite friends - country living - and lots of love.

i got to vicariously live out my dream of getting married and reception in a barn

we rocked it in a limo

and not only got to hang out with great old friends

but made great new canadian friends (this is your little shout out april)

and after a night of night fun the festivities began

with a miss of the bouquet the night was over

and at sunrise

and tim hortons in hand

i had to say goodbye to my dearests

it got me itching to get home - one month.

2005-11-08T09:33:00.001-08:00

it is grace margaret's 18th birthday. my sister is amazing. she is six years younger than me but teaches me about love and gentleness and forgiveness every time i interact with her. she has one of the biggest hearts that i know and i wish that i had half the compassion that she possesses. lindsey lohan has nothing on this girl who i love so much. i am blessed by her.

2005-11-08T09:33:00.000-08:00

welp i did it. it was amazing. i am addicted and can't wait until the next one. here are some highlights.

we left school and 10 minutes later jumped right on a plane that our friends had charted.

the plane might have been small

but we had a professional as a pilot

and they supplied us with flotation devices

so on our way we went

we packed ourselves in a car - 5 people, 10 bags of luggage, 20 wheels and

5 bikes - all in a ford taurus

race day came and we got all set up

5 of us from abaco

after the race we helped with the kids iron man

and then we drove around to look at the damage from wilma

we went to the awards ceremony at night - rhonda took first place in our age range and dale took first place overall - it was a proud night for abaco.

and on our way home we went

to green beans that had been left in the pot since halloween - so gross...but very picture worthy.

2005-11-07T09:32:00.001-08:00

so...yesterday i decided to do a triathlon.

we are leaving today for freeport and will do the conch man tomorrow. i am scared out of my mind that i just might fail but i decided that fear of failure should be the last thing to stop me from doing anything.

this is a big step in my life...

2005-11-07T09:32:00.000-08:00

2005-11-03T09:31:00.000-08:00

halloween 2005 featured an open grill night at our house...

our neighbors rhonda and steven truly enjoyed their juicy burgers...

laura stuck to the oatmeal cookies - this girl got a sweet tooth that no one can beat...

many hours of speed scrabble later and we called it a night...

happy halloween.

2005-10-29T09:28:00.000-07:00

wilma is over – she hardly left a dent here in marsh harbour. we hosted people by us this time and had our own little hurricane party for 10 hours.

laura and i made sure that we got the first hand report on all that was happening...

We interviewed locals…

And put ourselves right in the action…

risked it all...

to make sure that we brought the most recent and dramatic updates possible…

we will try to publish the actually video at a later date.

in all seriousness we were truly blessed that it was nothing worse. we spent only one day doing clean up and we have heard of no major damage any where on the island.

2005-10-23T09:27:00.000-07:00

Wilma is a commin'

the shutters are up - school is canceled. the waiting begins...

2005-10-20T09:26:00.000-07:00

laura's family was the first visitors that we had this year. their time here was filled with lots of translation and organic food.

it felt like we were the smorgasbord family...

a trip to the hope town lighthouse was taken of course...

we made them abide by the rules...

they got to take in a bahamian sunset...

and we got in our regular saturday sunrise...

we went snorkeling with friends...

and my boo on the island...

who did get a little scandalous with his hands...

and had a picnic at a closed pete's pub...

and ended with a birthday party for laura's dad...

which we were very excited about...

i was informed that laura's brother sebastion and i would make beautful children together and if we would have a child together they would be happy to adopt it. it might be the business venture i have been looking for.

our offer for visitors is open - who is next?

2005-10-12T09:25:00.000-07:00

"God's lap is big enough for everyone to sit on."

this is the wisdom of a 4 year old girl that brought me to tears yesterday.

2005-10-10T09:24:00.000-07:00

so i was chatting with my girl k-love (kimmy lynn carrera) and we were wondering....nerviousness. what is this feeling? where does it come from? is it a good sign when you get nervous?

let me expound on this a little bit because kimmy is yelling through the
phone to explain. what i haven't mentioned yet that it is the opposite
sex that is making this feeling we will call nervousness.

now back to the subject. what is really killing kimmy is what goes through a guys mind when they know that they make a girl nervous?

"i don't know, it's like when i sit next to him and he brushes
against me i FREAK OUT and then have to move away."
- kimmy lynn carrera

this tingling thing that we call nervousness is mind boggling. and what i am wondering while i am sitting in the bahamas and what kimmy is wondering while she is on the phone with me sitting in chicago is your thoughts....

i don't know if we will ever get to the bottom of it but it sure keeps things interesting.

2005-10-08T09:24:00.000-07:00

we were ridding back on the ferry from hope town today and jess - who is always pushing me to think about the things i can easily shut myself out from - asked if i was going to be hard to leave this place.

now i haven't stopped thinking about it. most of the time it doesn't feel like this is a real life. well, teaching feels like the real part of life but the rest of this feels like something you see in a movie. these friends that i have made out here couldn't even be compared to the zaniest of movie characters. laura and i watched caste away the other night and i was thinking that the last time i saw the movie i thought that most of the stuff was impossible - this time i watched it and i just though "oh yeah - of course". my feet are "man feet" put so nicely by jill because i am barefoot most of the time. tropical storms - yes please. heat never ends. bathing suits seem like the mandatory uniform. power outages - always. humming of generators. and all these things are my life.

i don't know how much i am going to miss a place that didn't seem real to begin with but i don't think i will let myself think about it to much yet.

day 2 of downpour in the bahamas.

2005-10-05T09:22:00.000-07:00

getting to work: jess and i rode bikes to work yesterday. we thought that we could miss the swells of rain but on the way back we just got dumped on. each drop of rain felt like a bullet to the face.

listening pleasure: renee’s sleep cd. nae it is one of the best cd’s and speaks directly to my soul.

reading pleasure: the giver. I don’t know what I was reading in 6^th grade but I never realized how much depth this book really had.

goals of picture taking: the perfect mullet. this island is dripping (literally) with mullets. i don’t know what derek would do with himself if he ever made it out here but i have set a goal and the picture will be dedication to you, derek.

coffee addiction: yes please. this morning there was no fresh coffee made at school so i took the yesterdays old and warmed it over because I couldn’t wait for the fresh brew (sick)

missing: 2 a.m. tea time.

best phone call of night: mrs. kati glock.

amazing race: going for the siblings or the widow family. BUT are they ever going to leave the u.s?

2005-10-02T09:22:00.000-07:00

bon jovi has been the inspirations for my runs as of late. him and queen that is. this morning just as i was hitting my turn around point "living on a prayer" came in.

"ohhh we're half way there - ohhhh living on a prayer take my hand and we'll make it i swear -ohhh living on a prayer."

it inspired me so much that i found myself pumping my fist in the air. i didn't realize that until i noticed that bahamian workmen, thinking i was hailing them, started to give me a shout out.

moral of story: no matter how good a song might be pumping your fist in the air is never the answer.

2005-10-01T09:21:00.000-07:00

kimmy got me thinking and today i was walking down the beach looking for sea glass and this is what i came to:

sea glass is what i have been collecting the whole time i have been here. i didn't know why i was drawn to it so much but it has always been the most beautiful thing to me. i think that i am beginning to realize why i have this love for it.

it starts out just a piece of glass - frail and fragile. but for some reason it gets dropped in the sea and everything changes. it gets knocked over by waves over and over. it gets pounded in the sand again and again. it gets beaten and kicked around.

but in the end it comes out of it. it is not even the same recognizable piece of glass. it has changed into this completely new object. it has come out stronger and beautiful and it would never have gotten there if it didn't go through the beatings.

i think that i love sea glass because it is a survivor. and it tells me that after life's beatings we might just come out different - stronger -beautiful.

2005-09-27T09:20:00.000-07:00

you walk on waves

you run with clouds

you paint the sky for me to see

your majesty is why i sing.

and these are but the outer fringe of his works;
how faint the whisper we hear of him!

Spanish Fiestas, Surfing and Sunrises

2005-09-25T09:19:00.000-07:00

...a perfect weekend in Hope Town.